I believe it is high time that we develop a new rating system to gauge human beings’ sex appeal. Before anyone gets all fired up about this idea and prepares a tl;dr comment about how we shouldn’t be rating beauty within the patriarchy’s confinements or some I-just-attended-my-first-SlutWalk word vomit, shut the fuck up immediately, because you do it too, you self-righteous hypocritical cunt.
The current default—1-to-10, penny to dime—(that I believe has held its place at the top because people are too fucking lazy to figure something else out) is easily one of the many Marks of the Douche. You couldn’t sound any dumber while trying to describe the level of physical attraction you felt toward a person than when you spew numbers out of your filthy slop-holes like broken robots.
“Dude, I was totally talking to a 4 at the bar last night, feeling pretty desperate y’know, and then all of a sudden a 7 walked in and was totally giving me the invite to destroy her poon! So I dumped the 4 but found out the 7 was there with her boyfriend. Fuckin’ lame-o! I found a 3.75 on the way out and convinced her to come home with me, but DAMN what a night!”
Do you see the shit logs dropping from your mouth when you say that? I do.
Perhaps I’m just bitter and rattled by the fact that some years ago, I was deemed a “3 or 4” by some greasy bozo. I may not have recovered from my physical inadequacies being thrown in my face clearer than any mirror could have shown me.
But I am completely aware of how dumb that thought process is. I know that while I may be someone’s 3 or 4, I am—hopefully—at least one person’s 9 or 10. Someone’s Christina Hendricks may be another person’s Rosie O’Donnell (who I was once told is my celebrity doppelganger, which killed my self-esteem more than any number system).
While this is more notably a male activity, ladies are guilty of using this horrible, dated system of measurement as well. Not only is the method retro (and not in a good way), it’s also irrelevant. People’s tastes differ. I understand that the general consensus of our current “conventional beauty standards” is what we are basing these numbers on, but come on. If you asked me in high school which male celebrity was a “10,” I would have said Crispin Glover.
Is it truly that difficult to take one step further and rely on the English language’s vast array of adjectives to properly convey the digits we would have otherwise used? While it’s just as silly and “One man’s trash…” as the dreadful numbers are, it at the very least doesn’t sound as clunky and apelike. Wouldn’t you rather be called “foxy” than an “8”? I sure would. Hell, I’d rather be called “a human garbage dump” than a “2,” but that’s probably just me.
But…all of this rambling aside, what would you rate me? Y’know, on a scale of 1-10?