When you’re old, you look back on your younger years and it seems like you were sleepwalking. I like to think I’m a smart guy who cares about life and makes good decisions, but then how did I end up here, 38, married 10 years, have had sex maybe once a year for the past 6 years (and it should be noted she didn’t seem to enjoy even that).

This isn’t a life I wanted and yet here I am, stuck in it.

My problem is that my wife won’t have sex with me. My problem is that my wife won’t talk to me about not wanting to have sex with me. My problem is that my wife doesn’t care about being my wife anymore. My problem is that she seems completely disinterested in everything except maybe our kids (which, thank god).

Maybe women are programed to be one way when you are dating them and then when you get the house and the ring and the kids come, they don’t care about the original relationship that built those things anymore. Maybe it’s — as the internet told me — that my wife is exhausted from working and raising kids and she just can’t be bothered to care about our relationship anymore. I can respect this, I can help her figure out her life however she needs me to, that’s what a husband is for. What I can’t do is be a prisoner in a marriage with someone who shushes me whenever I bring up sex or the state of our relationship (and its been years of this, not just one day at a “bad time”).

And — the truth is, when you are a man in a marriage you are a prisoner in it because if I did get a divorce I’d lose my kids and a good chunk of my income. What then? I might find passion in my life again, but I’d be the guy my kids only see on the weekends. I can’t handle that idea.

So, what is the answer? How do my wife and I come together again? It can’t be that women just lose interest in sex once they have kids. I know some of my friends that still have a solid sex life after years of marriage. What did we do wrong? We love each other. We dated three years before we got engaged, I thought we knew each other inside and out. I couldn’t predict I’d be in a six year stalemate with her not even being able to discuss a problem.

I’ve tried bringing her flowers out of the blue, I’ve tried getting babysitters, I’ve tried wining and dining. She enjoys it, she seems relaxed, but she has no interest in even kissing. I love her and I want to be understanding, but isn’t this part of a marriage? Where did I sign up to give up part of my humanity?

I’m more or less resigned to the fact that it is too late for me. Maybe things will change when the kids get older and move out of the house. But not before then, not if the last few years have shown anything.

The only thing I can do is serve as a warning. Don’t let yourself end up like me. I can’t say I know how to avoid it, my wife seemed to enjoy sex when we met (did she? Was she just pretending?) but maybe having a conversation about it before you get serious may have helped. Or maybe this is just what marriage is and you should avoid it altogether. Make your own guesses, just don’t become me.

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