Every day, a brand new hate crime makes its way onto the news. The stories spread via social networking like dirty needles for your former high-school pals to share. People you once considered friends now pound their disgust into the keyboard so you can feel—and sometimes even smell—their forced outrage. More likely than not, that same viral hate crime will be hilariously outed as a hoax within a week’s time. Your Facebook pals will move on to the next outrage du jour rather than, say, ever getting outraged at the fact that they were once again duped by yet another attention-seeking idiot.
People often claim that it is impossible for someone to lie about a thing so serious and devastating, but that is the farthest from the truth. So why do they do it? The answer is simple: They are the lowest type of vampires who love attention and get off on being victims. Some feel that their causes are going unnoticed, so they create false scenarios to acquire the attention they truly crave.
You may be the type of person who would LOVE to scam gullible Internet users for thousands of dollars in unearned money, but be careful my friend, because not all hoaxes are created equal. You certainly don’t want to be exposed before you’re able to reap the benefits once this shit hits the viral fan. You’ll only come out the other side with no money and covered in virus-laden shit. And what’s worse, you’ll be none the wiser for it.
Here are some easy steps to avoid that awkward public apology once you’re inevitably found out to be a hate-crime hoaxer. You know the old saying: “Every hate crime is a hoax until proven otherwise”!
1. Be a minority.
Let’s face it: The only way anyone is going to take your hate crime seriously is if you are somehow perceived as an “other” in society. If you’re a straight white chick who was beaten within an inch of her life and had “I AM ASSAULTING YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE WHITE, YOU WHITE BITCH” brutally carved into her chest with a rusty pocketknife, you’ll be lucky if the story even makes it to the local gazette. Even then it’s highly unlikely that this would be deemed a “hate crime.” But turn up the melanin levels and make the chick a lezbo, and you’ll have Barack and Michelle personally delivering her home-baked cookies within a week of the alleged incident. That’s just how it works!
2. Be prevalent on the blogosphere.
If you are already a well-loved bloggeur, you’ll be able to generate revenue much quicker. If your favorite YouTube makeup guru suddenly had a slur spray-painted onto her vehicle, you bet she could rake in enough sympathy dollars to fix it ten times over. Not only that, but her channel views would double—even triple! No one loses there! Well, except you, since you sent her $150 via PayPal.
3. Be creative.
No more writing on restaurant receipts. NO ONE FUCKING DOES THIS IN REAL LIFE. It is an immediate hoax red flag, and you will be outed. Can you imagine anything more embarrassing than having to write your Post Of Shame admitting that you’re nothing but a Big Hate Crime Phony Baloney? Don’t skimp or cut corners. Plan your fake hate crime wisely. You have to think out every single angle that people will come at you from and have a swift reponse. Hate crime hoaxes are increasingly popular in our Age of Outrage, so you better believe someone will always be one step ahead of you. So keep on top of your fake-hate-crime game. (And never forget that most restaurants have cameras!)
4. Be a sociopath.
This is a must. Hate-crime hoaxes only lead people to be skeptical about every “hate crime” story that emerges, so they potentially harm the victims of real hate crimes. Hate-crime hoaxers are only helping themselves and severely harming their “community.” This should be obvious, but you are too blinded by your righteousness to see. If I were the pitying type, I’d pity you.
The folks over at the US Database of Fake Hate Crimes have compiled hundreds of articles featuring hate-crime hoaxes that have been perpetrated throughout the hills and valleys of our great, beautiful, and glorious country. Their site can be used like one would use a sex-offender registry when trying to figure out which neighbors to ignore. Ignore anyone so hateful that they’d falsely accuse you of a hate crime. That’s the only way to destroy them. They feed off of your attention. They will try and pry into your world and suck it dry. Don’t let them. Leave them alone, and they will suck themselves dry.