In my almost 8 months of sobriety, I’ve done a lot of people watching. With that people watching I’ve done a lot of reflecting on the kind of person I would like to end up with when everything is said and done.
What I’ve come to realize more than anything is that the guys who have the most screwed up way of thinking are the “nice guys.”
In our culture, 20-somethings go to bars to meet each other. sure, that seems like a good idea on the surface. where else are you going to find packs of sexy girls dressed up, loose and primed to be ready for the dating world. what “nice guys” don’t realize is this one little nugget of information: Girls don’t go to bars because they want to be treated nice! I mean, really.
Speaking from my own experience, as a sexual assault survivor, and a strong feminist, I did not go to bars dressed up looking for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet and tell me how beautiful I was. Nah, I went to bars for the thrill of knowing I could pick up a guy, or get more drinks bought for me than my friend. (Which was often a competition between us, even after I was sober.) It was a total ego boost. It didn’t matter to me if the guys were attractive to me or not. I would go for the most attractive boy in the room.
At the end of the night, I would leave, having made out with some random, feeling accomplished — dirty, but accomplished. Knowing that for that night, the deep black hole where my heart should be was stuffed with whisky and fake compliments from some loser who knew nothing about me but the fake facade I spewed about what a tough bitch I was. It was a thrill and I loved it.
I’m not saying there is anything wrong with having a couple drinks at a bar. For casual drinkers, who can drink healthy in moderation, good for you! However that is not me, and I have learned that the hard way, embarrassingly. And while in recovery I’ve talked to many women who have confirmed my suspicions that when most people go out at night to drink (when they expect to meet someone) it’s usually when they are drinking to forget about something. Nobody wants to be someones way of escapism.
So, to all you “nice guys” out there, look for the girl looking up at the stars, not down into her drink for the answers. Look for the girl who wants to get to know you. Not for the girl who wants you to fill some void because her life is a shit show. Those are the girls who want you to grow with them, together. That’s a beautiful thing.