From the very beginning we talked about sex. It’s an interesting conversation topic to me. I think it’s a wonderful gift humans have, something that takes us out of the moment and balances the gravatas of life. I just thought it was a given that this would be part of the foundation of the relationship I have with any boyfriend, and definitely part of my marriage. Most men are so much more sexual than most women, I just never thought I’d have a problem finding this particular trait.
I met Adam at a sports bar. I was there with a friend watching the finals and the bar was overcrowded, so he and a friend asked if they could share our table while we all watched the game. We definitely clicked that night, and ended up exchanging numbers and promising we’d hang out the following weekend at a barbecue Adam and his roommate were having in a neighborhood that bordered mine. He pursued me very hard, which I found attractive. I felt sure that we’d have a great relationship because as a more traditional female, I definitely liked that he was an alpha male. When I met his friends, this seemed a little weird to me. They joked about how we met at a sports bar and how sports were kind of “neanderthal” or something. (what?) But, I ignored how liberal and obnoxious they were, I was there for Adam, not for his friends.
And Adam was great. He was very smart and funny, we always had a blast hanging out and he was clear that when he asked me out it was for a “date” — but it grew confusing because by the third time we hung out (including watching netflix on his couch after the barbecue) he still hadn’t kissed me. It was in tension with the way he would talk to me, or what he would say in texts, which clearly indicated attraction. I let it go on too long, against my better judgement I guess, because people tell me I “jump to the dump” too often. But the fifth date came and he hugged me goodnight and turned to walk away. I told him to wait up. I asked him, “Why haven’t you kissed me?” It wasn’t really okay at that point but I was hoping there would still be some acceptable explanation.
“I really like you, and I wanted to wait longer to talk about this, but I need you to know that I am asexual. I want a relationship with you, but I am just not interested in sex.”
I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t know what asexual was before he used that word. I think I just said “okay” and turned and went inside. Was he planning to tell me this at any point? I needed more information. I googled it for hours that night, and I guess I get it. It’s a thing. But I’m really not interested in essentially having a friend instead of ever having the deep loving (physical, mental, emotional, sexual) connection I wanted with a guy. That was my future, not this. Which I told him along with some choice words about him pursuing me under completely false pretenses. I got duped and so I unfriended him on Facebook and expected to never see or hear from him again, story over. Right?
Wrong. See, this is where his weirdo friends come back. Three of them have been, I guess, trying to “raise awareness” of what a “bigot” I am on a few social media sites (using my real name). I immediately messaged one of them when I first saw it and asked that he delete his remarks, I’m allowed to choose a guy based on his personality, it wasn’t a fit, that’s it. He told me that I was, in fact, a bigot because Adam cannot choose his sexuality and I’m just prejudiced against it because of my privileged position of identifying with a more common sexuality.
I understand what it’s like to hate your friends ex, you don’t want to see anyone hurt them. But, the fact is that I am a woman and I am looking for a normal, healthy relationship with a man. Adam cannot give that to me, so I will not be with him. It is my choice. Adam can find someone who is asexual like him and then they will both be happy. I shouldn’t have to give up what I want for someone else’s happiness, especially where there are so many other men out there who this wouldn’t be an issue with.
His friends will lose interest with trashing me eventually, and I think they are the kind of people no one listens to anyways. Luckily, I’m not the kind of person who can be bullied this way, but I think it’s disgusting and narrow minded and it needs to stop. Adam should have told me on day one that I would have to significantly alter my life if I wanted to be with him and then I could have had a choice. What if I hadn’t confronted him? Exactly how much of my life was he planning on wasting? There are a lot of women who don’t like sex that much, or that don’t have the view I do that it’s necessary for a healthy relationship. He’s free to seek them out and I’m free to look for what I want.