How I Learned Not To Rape

guilherme pavan
guilherme pavan

A very attractive female friend from work invited me out for some drinks because she wanted to let out some personal problems. We had a great time the whole night. We thought we drank a bit too much so we decided to call it a night. 

We left the bar and were smoking on our way home when two guys approached us and asked if they could buy a cigarette. So I told these strangers “I don’t charge for a cigarette but she charges a dollar for the lighter.” See, in fairness to me, I’m actually a funny guy. 

Small talk led one thing to the other when the other guy finally said “hey why don’t we go to another bar?” 

Both of us already had way too much to drink, and added to that, my friend was undergoing some personal love life problems so I knew that she was in a very, very vulnerable state.

She practically said yes to these two strangers, and invited me as well. I could’ve said no at that time and could have gone my own way, but I went on as I know that things could get sketchy. More wisely, I could have nipped that in the bud and said no. If only I could kick myself for that stupidity. 

Bar round 2. Had a few more drinks (I was already beyond my limit of three glasses. Not for nothing am I called the Half-glass ass). 

The guys we met said “why don’t we cap the night just to have a grand ending for meeting both of you guys? We can do it in my pad” 

To which she replied “Sounds like a plan!” — Obviously, this woman is on the brink of a black out. 

So I gathered all the guts I could muster and told the guys “I think she’s had way too many drinks and would probably be best if I take her home.” 

It could have been worse, but thankfully these guys whose arms were bigger than my head relented and agreed that we really had to call it a night. 

She was already drunk and out of her senses by the time we got to the subway, so I had no choice but to take her home, gave her some water to neutralize the alcohol and change her clothes. (Sorry mom.) 

Lying on my bed was the first thing we did upon coming to my flat. This was the moment she was telling me stuff like “Why are things too slow?” “Everything is bull shit” “fuck everyone” “Go do what you had to do” “Why dont you wanna get laid”? — She was already biting my forearm at this point, to which I said “Please don’t bite me. I know how to bite back”. I really suck at pick-up lines, though in this case I think that had the opposite effect on my inebriated friend.

Here’s the climax: 

She was lying on my bed, staring at me. I was at the foot of my bed. As I got closer, and closer, and closer, I slowly inserted my basket ball shorts through her legs, and I inched higher and higher, seconds seeming like eternity, until the garter fit snugly by her waist. 

As I completed changing her clothes, I pulled the blanket and covered her whole body, and kissed her on the forehead. 

As soon as I knew she was knocked out, I called her mother using my friend’s phone, whose initial reaction was to scream the moment she heard a male voice replied from the other end. Well, rightfully so.

I was almost tempted to say “Your daughter is still alive” but settled for the more conventional “Hi this is Francis. Kacey and I are friends. She had a couple of drinks and I could not entrust her to go home alone. She is safe and is sleeping in my apartment. Don’t worry — I’ll take good care of her.”

Moral of the story: 

I learned how not to take advantage of a woman’s vulnerability. That’s a cheap way of approaching life. I realized it is much better to get rejected multiple times by someone sober than to pull a hard and fast one on someone who cannot think and act for herself at the moment. (And yes, after I confessed I did that because I saw something else in her, she did friend-zone me).

At any rate, There is something greater and more pleasing than a fast sex, and that is the feeling of integrity. Sex lasts only throughout the night, but integrity creates an indelible effect on your self-esteem. That is the one thing that separates a guy with a dick from a Man, and the singular reason that I was able to declare my independence from fapping and porn.

As I type this post, there is a woman, skin as white as pearl, face as peaceful as the silent moon, lying on my bed. Almost naked, wasted, vulnerable…exhausted.

And here I am, staring at the wall, writing this reflection as a way to distract myself, not because I did not want sex — I did not give in because I want what is real. I wanted to avoid the cheap and the fast. At the end of the day, Integrity is the hard acknowledgment of reality, even when it is inconvenient. And reality, more than anything else, is what saves us from the meaninglessness of illusion. Thought Catalog Logo Mark


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