When Are We Going To Admit That Being On Top Sucks?

Okay, before you all come at me with your torches and ride-a-cowboy pitchforks, let me clarify that it CAN be good. There can be good girl-on-top experiences, even orgasmic ones. But let’s be honest: more often than not, the act of riding a dude is not entirely unlike giving a blowjob: it’s entertaining and fun for him, and mostly leaves you counting the time until you can switch to something more awesome for you.

And again, there is the “with the right guy, it can be great!” angle, but that is the “deep fried and sprinkled with cinnamon sugar” of sexual activities: EVERYTHING can be good with the right guy. Let’s not make outliers the rule, okay?

First of all, maybe I’ve just been with 98th percentile dick, but they go in WAY FAR during girl-on-top. That shit hurts. And I know we’re all used to watching porn where the girl is like, “Oh, yes, enormous man with nine-inch penis, this feels excellent!” but this is the real world. Having a dick too far in you feels like being punched by a small fist over and over again, and that sensation pretty much defines being on top. When the girl is like “Ow! Ow!” and doesn’t really sit down, and the guy is like, “Yes, I’m the man, this kicks ass,” you know you are with a low-quality man.

Also, speaking of low-quality, too many dudes do the “hands-behind-the-head, passively receiving a blowjob” move while getting ridden and, like, fuck that. It’s sexy occasionally, because you feel like you’re really taking care of him, but the point of pleasure for a woman is consistent, rhythmic sensations, and if a guy is just laying there like a piece of plywood with a dildo attached to it, it’s going to be really hard to get something good going. A guy should be at least moving his hips a little bit, or helping the girl by pulling her forward, if he is a gentleman. Most of the time, the most you can ask for is a weird, detached boob-fondling.

Note: I am a small-tittied gal myself, but I know that for my sisters who are carrying serious sandbags, being on top means either cradling them in her arms like two floppy babies, or having them nearly be ripped off her torso. This is terrible. Another strike against girl-on-top.

And when it comes time to orgasm, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but while most girls seem to extoll the virtues of “only being able to come on top,” I have never been able to get mine that way. It’s just too much weird, conflicting movement, and trying to play DJ Skribble on yourself while doing it is impossible. Being on top feels like being at the gym, only you’re totally naked and your spotter is pulling awkwardly on your nipples. It just sucks. (And the guys try to rub on you while you’re bouncing up and down get a gold star for trying, but no thank you. We get what you’re trying to do, but that’s a lot of movement. One at a time, homie.)

Again, there is good girl-on-top sex. I’ve had it, and I will have it again. But men need to know that the days of laying back and being ridden by some sad sorority girl while she fake moans until she can flip over are OVER. It’s time for good cowgirl sex, and that means a little help from the guys, and “help” does not entail looking up at us with that mouth-hangy, drooly face. If anything, we should be doing reverse cowgirl, because I have a fatty and he needs to be seeing it. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Shutterstock

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