I once thought of myself as a seductress. I was pretty aware of the fact that a proper batting of the eyelashes could really get me anything I wanted. Yes, I relished in it and enjoyed the attention, but the reality of the situation was beyond my cognizance until I realized I did not deserve what I was doing to myself. This is not going to turn into a tirade of feminism and “love yourself!”, but it will be an homage to the institution of respect.
The excitement is fleeting. You say you can’t stop thinking about how you love to sleep with this man. Do you also love the fact that you are quite truly (you will fight me on this) an orifice of escape for a person who is uncomfortable to commit? But let me guess, you don’t care or you don’t think of it that way. You think of it only in terms of the vapid joy it brings you, and that’s fine I guess. But you used the words “personal trophy,” and to me a trophy is a symbol of accomplishment. You accomplished nothing short of letting a man behave poorly under your radar (and likely at your persistence). I need to thank you for clarifying that “FOR THE MOMENT” is it not about emotions- which leads me to ask, are you a robot? Are you the only woman who has managed to devoid herself of attachment feelings? Please, enlighten the rest of us. At least you mentioned that you were insecure, double brownie points for that. Where you lost though was attempting to extract any positive anything from the situation you put yourself in. Make no mistake, there is not a single good or great thing about it. I respect you for allowing yourself to indulge, but that is why God and Dominique Ansel invented chocolate and cronuts. For indulgence. That man did not get married to his “fairy-queen” wife so that you could indulge yourself in fucking a person with the husband title. Your cold nature gives me the sense that your expectations of the male species are low. Perhaps you just figure every man is like this so whatever, who cares, why not. Maybe when your father was fucking the other woman he thought, which one will my daughter be? Maybe not.
As a woman who is very unfortunately familiar with the other woman role, I truly feel sorry for the illusion you have immersed yourself in. You mention with confidence that the exciting part for him is the fact that he can only have you as much as you let him. In this statement though, you completely ignore the fact that you feel only as powerful and shameless as HE allows you to feel. He feeds your ego far more than you fill his sexual needs and the danger in that is he will always go back to the fairy queen, and your selfish ego will only starve. The fire he gives you is fleeting, while the shallow memories you give him will last a lifetime. Seems like he gets the better end of the bargain.
While learning how to separate your happiness from other’s unhappiness, please also make a time to learn what the institution of respect is. I’ve gotten the sense that your self-respect is parallel with your expectations. You do call yourself a probable slut- very honorable- but I am confused as to when the term slut became something to put on your descriptive resumé. I understand I expect a lot for asking you to respect others when you clearly do not respect yourself, but as a former other woman I am hopeful you will come to the realization that the only person getting fucked in the whole situation (literally and figuratively) is you.