Thought Catalog

Apparently I Rule Tinder

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I got Tinder 48 hours ago and my ego will never be the same. I don’t normally use dating apps and websites to meet guys. For one, I am relatively attractive (relatively as in I am sure some people find me unattractive, of course). Two, I am friendly and three, I am haven’t actually been single in a long time. However, recently I’ve been really intrigued by Tinder, because all of my friends are on there. But, I never even considered checking it out until I found out the guy I am falling for is on it (ugh, why does it have to be this way!?).

So, out of curiosity I got the app. Even though I had a million things on my to do list, I downloaded the app and sat on my bed to curate the perfect profile. I only had 3 photos on Facebook and they were already mysterious so that part was easy. I wondered if I should say something about myself so I chose 3 nouns- one that was academic and brainy, one that was creative and quirky and one that was romantic and hopeful. Done. That’s when the fun began…

Hour 1

I spent the next 20 minutes swiping right on only the most handsome guys. I used very specific criteria. To achieve a right swipe the men had to have no features that resembled any boy that was ever deceitful to me or terrible in bed. They also had to look interesting or at least weird and finally, they actually had to be someone I saw myself with. I swiped right for about 15 guys out of a hundred or so and went to write an article.

As I was writing my phone started blowing up. A screenwriter invited me for drinks, some touring drummer started a chat and the guy who I had deemed “the hottest” of everyone thus far was interested in me (this man would later become my Tinder boyfriend). Before the end of hour one everyone whom I had liked had liked me back. I was feeling pretty.

Hour 2

So, I decided to put off a portion of my to-do list and really “play” the tinder game. I looked up the guidelines online and learned to my dismay that if I swiped left on a guy, he would fall into the Tinder abyss forever. My swipe sealed our fate for better or worse. So, for round 2 I decided to spend more time really deciding before I swiped. This time I added raw sexual attraction to this list. No matter how young or how old- whether or not they seemed terribly interesting or not, I would swipe right based off of pure animal desire (as much as is possible from a picture). I also decided that I would include men that had mutual friends with me… if they matched all the criteria, of course. Originally I thought that it would be embarrassing to swipe right for people that knew my friends, since I was “just playin,’” but I decided if I was going to play the game that I should play it right.

This is when I discovered that you can find out your matches as you play. I found that really exciting! What better form of instant gratification than thinking someone is exceptionally attractive or interesting and within seconds knowing that they at least remotely think that of you? Yes, even knowing that it might (haha “might”) all just be about sex didn’t deter from that gratifying feeling. I swiped right on about 20 more guys, from ages 18 to 55 and then decided to make dinner. They were a few Yves Saint Laurent models in there, a fashion designer and more than a few venture capitalists. I found out that most “liked” me right away. Time flew and I found myself hungry so I went to the kitchen to make a terrible salad. While doing so my phone kept blowing up. I couldn’t really keep up with all of the notifications. By the end of hour 2 everyone I had “liked,” had liked me back. I was feeling fancy.

Hour 3

Salad in hand and after texting all of my guy friends about how much Tinder reminded me of playing Nintendo, I sat down for my most intense round of Tinder yet. While doing so I had a few conversations with some of the most interesting men. I had been asked out on over 15 dates at this point, was sent a few numbers and had one guy begging me to buy me a cake (yeahhh… noo). I felt like a Tinder Queen. I was up to about 70 matches at this point and I thought it might be fun to see if I could get to 100.

Now this is where it got really interesting and really fun! At this point in the game, my profile had already been active long enough for men to see me and swipe left or right. So, in round 3 there was a more likely chance that I would know right away if I had a “match” or not. This is when I realized I rule at Tinder.

Without broadening my criteria too much, but also adding “friendship” potential into the mix, I started swiping. Every single guy that I swiped right on no matter how hot, successful, young or old “liked” me back. At first I was a little shocked, then I thought the app must be broken. So, I asked a few friends and all they said was “Well, lucky you.”

So, apparently I rule Tinder

It is 48 hours later and still no matter who it is I “like” on Tinder they like me back… and it’s been highly entertaining. My first Tinder swipe is now my fake text boyfriend. He let’s me call him baby and all of these bullshit pet names, which I enjoy. I’ve also met a guy that has produced hit TV shows, a man in the porn industry, the producer of a band I really like, a famous fashion designer, an 18 year old kid that wants to sleep with me and countless other gorgeous, talented and interesting men. I think there are about 50 conversations started. I can’t really keep up and most I have ignored. Many have asked me out. Sometimes I respond and make light conversation, but I have yet to go out with any of them.

I rule Tinder, but what does it mean!?

Maybe I rule Tinder because I am the catch of the year- I am educated, sweet, independent, etc. Maybe. Or maybe I just rule Tinder because I curated the perfect profile. While it shows my brilliance it didn’t mention that I talk too much, I can be self-absorbed and I have very little disposable income. Who knows though? Men are also much less picky about physical appearances than women are so the game is probably much easier to “rule” than I think. Also, I could just be really good at understanding mutual attraction. It does takes two to tango in Tinder.

All of that aside, while I can have any guy that I like on Tinder (probably), the guy I am most interested in still has a Tinder account. And while, I am now convinced that I could probably fall in love with one of these Tinder men, I’ll probably just be patient and see if maybe, just maybe things will become more serious with the IRL guy that I have my eye on. While I wait for that to happen I can always text all of my affection to my Tinder boyfriend. Apparently this is what my life has come to. And this…

Tips for ruling Tinder as a woman:

• Be mysterious
• Show some leg
• Don’t smile in photos
• Be Fashionable (think high fashion)
• Like “Ted Talks” and/or “Arrested Development” on Facebook (Just trust me.)
• Have a “nerdy” interest

Honestly though, less is more. Which should prove to be helpful in IRL dating as well. Until then, Tinder On my friends! TC mark

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