1. YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND: “Oh, so that’s why you broke up with me.”
No! No, that’s not why. I broke up with you because we were fundamentally incompatible, not because you have a penis. I still like men – I just don’t like you. Maybe if you had spent more time talking to me and less time talking about yourself, you would understand that, and we might still be together.
2. SOME CREEPY GUY: “Do you and your girlfriend want to have a threesome? Because I’d be totally down for that.”
First of all, ew. Secondly, if I was interested in having sex with you, I would be expressing said interest, not making a pained expression while trying to discreetly edge away from you. Do you even know whether my girlfriend is interested in men? Could you maybe consider that aspect? Lesbian relationships and lesbian sex do not exist for the sole purpose of making straight guys all hot and bothered. We have a sex life of our very own, and trust me – it is way better without you.
3. YOUR CLOSE FRIEND: “You’re a lesbian now?”
Excuse me, were you not there when I cried on your shoulder for an hour because Joey McDermott ignored me at that party in grade 10? Were you not there for all of my previous relationships with men? I hooked up with a guy a month ago! You know that! Just because I’m dating a woman now doesn’t mean that I’ll be dating women exclusively for now on (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I like guys just as much as I did when I first met you. I also like girls, and now I’m dating one. Trust me, I’ll keep you posted on any pressing news about my sexuality. But right now, I’m happy and comfortable with what I am. Which is bisexual (just emphasizing that).
4. YOUR BEST FRIEND: “If I liked girls, would you date me?”
I’m kind of insulted that you think that the only obstacle to our relationship is your lack of interest. Since I like girls, I obviously like you, right? Look, there is no way to answer this without endangering our friendship. If I say I’d date you, you’ll freak out and start analyzing every interaction we’ve ever had for signs of my secret obsession with you. Alternatively, you’ll get really drunk and decide it would be a good idea to make out with me. That is not a good idea. If I say I wouldn’t date you, you’ll get offended and think it’s because I don’t find you attractive. So let’s save ourselves the emotional distress, and pretend you never asked me that question.
5. YOUR GAY OR LESBIAN FRIEND: “Haha yeah, I remember when I told everyone I was bisexual. I got over that phase pretty quickly!”
Stop claiming that my sexual orientation is a phase. I’m not in some kind of half-closet of denial. I’m out and proud and comfortable with who I am, just like you. And guess what? My sexuality is just as valid and important as yours. I totally get it, same-sex relationships are great! In fact, I’m in one right now! But I’m not monosexual, just like you’re not heterosexual. We are who we are and we love what we love. I’m not ashamed of it, so stop trying to make me feel like I should be.