Gay Men And Blowjobs (Cue Carly Simon “Nobody Does It Better”)

Gavin McInnes says that having a girl with short hair go down on you is rape because if you lose the sight angle it looks like a guy is down there putting in work. And if Gavin McInnes’s visual cortex is registering a male partner while getting head I’m guessing it damn sure better be the real thing!

Gay men seem to be Gavin’s backup booty calls on hard nights (or as Gavin likely puts it: “all nights”) when the ladies aren’t paying him no attention. And although it sounds cliché it’s so true: gay men give better blowjobs than women.

Granted I shouldn’t disparage women for their inept head game because my gay ass has never experienced it first hand and never will. But I have discussed fellatio with many a straight woman and it’s obv they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.

I have a girl friend who by 6th grade had memorized every sexually-explicit lyric from Lil Kim’s raunchy Hard Core (1996) album, which includes rhymes like “Got buffoons eatin’ my pussy while I watch cartoons.” Yet one recent night in a fit of sexual-performance anxiety with her boyfriend, she reticently texted me “You’re a guy…What does one need to do to give good head?”

Did I take the time to offer her my veteran advice? Shit no! She’s a 28-year-old grown-ass woman who should know by now. Plus, I’m not one to share my patented secret tricks less a consultation fee.

Anyhooter, so Gavin McInnes has zero attraction to women with short hair and and zero attraction to men, but if pressed to decide between receiving a blowjob from one of the two demographics, he’s probably going to go with the group that at least knows when to stick a pinky up his “no-no” and tickle his G-spot just the way he likes it.

It’s appears to be simple arithmetic for Gavin: a man for whom he has zero attraction but possesses 5-star oral sex skills trumps a short-haired woman for whom he also has zero attraction and is equipped with mere 2-star BJ prowess.

Maybe Gavin’s angst is over false advertising: women with short hair insinuating they give good brain just like the gay guys do, but it turns out it’s all just an elaborate masquerade!

The irony is that Gavin McInnes almost looks like a darling pixie-haired young lady himself in his Wikipedia profile photo (but not quite—he looks more like a sexually-confused twink boi making ends meet through college by turning gay-for-pay tricks for old sugar daddies after getting high on crystal meth at raves in abandoned Canadian warehouses).

Matter of fact, for all those questioning if Gavin McInnes has ever even received oral sex from a short-haired girl, it’s possible he’s relying on presumptuous evidence collected while dolling himself up in perfect drag circa the time of his Wikipedia profile pic and trying to suck himselfoff with some Cirque du Soleil-like contortionism on one of his many sleepless nights of experimental onanism.

But all this is just me kicking up a big fuss over nothing. We all can see right through Gavin’s “article” and discern his real agenda. The approximate inverse of disliking head from short-haired girls because they look like boys is a gluttonous appetite for blowjobs from pretty long-haired fellows.

The post was essentially a covert personal ad seeking out men with long flowing locks like Fabio, trannies, and drag queens with high-end lace front wigs. But unfortunately for Gavin these three populations have standards that transcend hair length. Standards that he does not meet.

But me on the other hand…I have no standards! I’d totally suck you off, Gavin! And to quote the aforementioned Lil Kim, “My head game will have you head over heels!”

Although I feel a bit deceived—you look all scruffy and cute in your cross-eyed mug shot, but upon further review through Google Images you kind of just look dirty like a mid-40’s hipster version of Colonel Sanders. And I use a similar tactic to procure sex partners through OKCupid by posting pictures of my “current” self that are actually 6 years old. Game recognize game, biatch. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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