I should have seen this coming. No, I already saw it coming.
The day your enlistment letter landed on the desk, I knew what I was in for. I had two choices – to stay or to leave.
It’s obvious that I had chosen the latter, otherwise what you are reading now would not exist.
We had less than three months before your enlistment. I can no longer remember whether I was relieved at the amount of time left, or whether I wished we didn’t have this “pending” period available to us. Because these three months had drained me of every ounce of energy I have, spending every day with you in order to maximize the limited amount of time we had. It’s like we were preparing ourselves for the moment when we will have to bid farewell. Sometimes, I really wished you just enlisted the very day the notice came, because I was the most ready to let you go at that very moment. Every day in these three months has made me more of a coward, more of a hogger, more unwilling to let (you) go.
I lost track of time, because it was too hard for me to monitor how many days I have left till you are gone. As if realizing my negligence, time has decided to sneak up on me. Three months passed in a flash, and all I have left is 8 hours with you.
They kept reminding me, that I shouldn’t display my sadness in front of you, that if I cried, I would be adding on to your stressful load. But I am human, and you are my boy. I broke down in your arms, soaking your black crumpled shirt.
Not for causing a huge patch of dampness in your shirt, and not for how ugly I must have looked with my smudged eyeliner running all over my face. I’m sorry, for it was the very first time I actually felt that I am a burden of yours and you will be better if you just shed me off.
If you enlisted without me, you would not have to feel the sorrow you felt. There would be no sense of longing, nothing for you to miss and no one for you to worry about. You would not have to seize every opportunity possible to text me, and spend all the free time you have each night chatting with me on the phone (which was mostly filled with me going “Pardon?” because of the bad reception). You could have used all this time to get the rest you terribly needed. You could have used all these time to socialize yourself with your comrades, and establish some life-changing friendships. You could have used all these energy to polish your boots shinier, so you don’t have to face the punishments you are having now. You could have done so much more.
If you weren’t my guy, I wouldn’t have felt this loss. Since the day you enlisted, I feel like part of me has drifted off with you as well. You are confined within the camp’s compounds, and I am confined within my own soul. Nothing interests me anymore. I stop indulging in the things I loved, because you are no longer here to share the joy with me. In fact, where can I find happiness, when the person who provides it is no longer by my side?
If you ever read this (which I doubt you will), I just want to say
I love you.
But I am selfish, and would like to make known of my miseries to you. Let’s face it, missing you hurts me so much I feel like I might stop breathing anytime soon. But sweetheart, missing you is what keeps me going too.
How contradicting, love is.