Your friend raped me, then you went to his birthday party. The searing contempt you held towards me lasted for months after I told you, and you got back at me by sleeping with a girl from work. You would make plans to see me, and then not show up or call and cancel at the last minute with some miserable excuse. And your excuses were by far the worst, indicating the level of respect you had for me by using “getting drunk with the buds” as an appropriate excuse every time. You just got into law school. You could’ve done better.
I found out you went to his birthday party over Facebook. You were tagged together, and he thanked you for attending. I didn’t know his scaly claws could utilize a keyboard. Daggers shot into my stomach, and I could feel my throat start to reverse peristalsis. I blocked it out, the way you blocked me out of your life, and I never brought it up. I tried to leave you but you wouldn’t let me. You just wanted to be a pretty girl’s boyfriend, but you and your friends are all the same. You choked the life out of me over and over again with every time I tried to prove my worth to you. Every fight brought us back to this. To this day, he was a one-night-stand to you, an insult to the laborious text messages you’d invested in me while we were in different schools.
There are things you didn’t understand, things you will NEVER understand, and to this day, refuse to understand. You will never understand the blackness that momentarily took over me after a few drinks. You will not understand the moments I remember and the moments I don’t. You will not understand what it felt to lie there, unable to move, unable to speak, with no comprehension of reality. You will not understand that fading in and out of conscious, and wanting it end. You will not understand why I cried myself to sleep months after it happened, when you abandoned me at my weakest. You will not understand why the mere thought of drinking makes me sick to my stomach.
I will not understand why, a year later, you went to his 26th birthday party. I will not understand why I’m still with you to this day.