Growing up, you probably heard of several cases of abuse. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse and so on… Something might have happened to a personal friend of yours, a friend of your friends or even cases that you so frequently read about in the news.
Never in a million years would you have imagined that you too, would be part of the statistics the number of women who have had to put up with abuse in their lifetime. Since it has happened, it has taken a toll on your life. Whenever you read about someone who has had to go through the same kind of pain, you cannot help but tear a little. Whenever someone tells you about their problems with their partner, you want to run away because you cannot help but remember the pain you have had to go through in your past relationship.
I want to write this today to face that demon that has been lingering around for too long. The one that still makes me think that I am at fault. The one that still makes me want to return back to my abuser. Today, I want to face that demon and write all that is deep within my heart.
Dear Person Who I Once Thought Loved Me,
By grabbing my hair and pushing me to the ground that very cold September night, by calling me a “slut” and a “whore”, by saying things like “you will rape me” and “you will kill me” and spitting right at my face after an argument we had – which you were not willing to sit calmly and hear my side of the story – you have changed my life forever. I fear trusting anyone again. I cannot believe when anyone tells me that he loves me now and my self-image feels as though it has been trampled on the ground, only to be stepped and spit on. I cannot help but blame myself for that very night. For the years that I loved you blindly, the trust I had placed in you and the false sense of security I had in you – thinking that you were going to be my “protector” forever.
Sometimes I wish that you could go through the pain that you had placed me through but I know that I could never wish that upon your mother or your sister. Because only a woman would be able to understand the pain of another woman and in no way would I ever want another person to be put through all that you have placed me through. I do not know how you will be able to forgive yourself if karma bites you back in the arse and the same thing were to happen to that person you love, like how you “loved” me, or so as you said.
I have had to hold on to this pain all these years, and I have not been able to truly forgive myself for trusting a deceitful creature like you. But today, I choose to let go. I choose to stop wishing I could return back to that place where I felt like a helpless kitten that had just been attacked ruthlessly by a dog. I choose to stop returning back to you hoping that you have changed or to hear that you are truly sorry, only for everything to happen all over again. I choose to forgive myself for my very wrong judgements. I choose to stop blaming myself because it was never my fault – I was definitely not the cause of your inability to control your emotions. I choose to let go and be free. Free from your hold. And for that, I will have to forgive you.
I know deep down that one day, I am going to meet a man when I am ready and he will truly love me for who I am. He will look into my eyes and see my beautiful soul, so much that he would never want to hurt me the way you did. As of now, I can only hold onto God because he is my fortress and my solid rock.
I do not know if you truly are sorry about all that you have put me through or if you will hurt another person the way you hurt me. But I pray that one day, in time, when you are sitting on your porch tracing back the events of your life – when your fifty maybe and have finally matured a little – you remember that young woman you had scared so badly, one whose life you have changed forever and the guilt eats you up. However, when that day comes, I would have been out of your life for good and you will not be able to reach out to me to say sorry.
Never ever ever ever again to be yours,
– The one you betrayed so badly.
P.S: If you are going through some sort of abuse, I pray you find some peace reading this and I pray that you too will be able to find your solid rock– one that comforts you in times like these. Please learn to let go like I have or at least, am trying to. I have decided to take this as a lesson learnt to make wiser judgements in life and to speak about my experience openly – hoping to be the voice for women who have seemed to have lost theirs.