I don’t know where to start. Have you ever felt a certain way and had no idea how to handle it? Knowing that if you ever told anyone how you felt, it would change and possibly ruin relationships? I keep secrets and move my life in a way that I think best suits other people. I decide to keep things in because at the end of the day, I’d rather other people’s lives be sane and simple, knowing I can deal with my demons if it means other people have their happiness. I consider it strong even though others may consider it weak.
The problem becomes, at what point do your demons get the best of you? When does the time come when you have to stop pretending and instead give in, lift the veil and let people see the real you?
I tell myself we’re just friends. I tell myself I know how lucky I am to have a friend like you. Early on I realized friendships should be nurtured and cherished. It’s your friends who stand by you, deal with your slightly odd behavior and overly energetic outbursts. The ones who pick you up and make you feel like a single part of an important larger piece. But what happens when friendship stop being enough? There are times when you look at your friend and realize they’ve been much more all along. So what do you do? Do you keep the friendship, knowing that for the rest of your life you’ll always wonder what if and what would have happened? Or do you tell the person how you feel, knowing that it could unravel the foundation and cause you to break whatever bond existed?
I’ve started to develop hangovers from hanging out with you. It’s like just hanging out with you is strong liquor. The first few days are the hardest, looking for reasons to reach out and make contact. Counting the moments between text messages, thinking that everything would be so much better if only you were near. As the days go on, you start to forget and return to normal life. But it only takes one afternoon together to put you right back in this place. It’s getting worse and I’m about at my breaking point.
What’s funny is you can convince yourself of anything if you try hard enough. You can take glances and turn them into something more. That brush of the shoulder wasn’t in fact just a brush and instead was a cry to notice them. The fortune in the cookie means your time is just around the corner. Anything can be turned into something, but how do you know what’s real?
I’m in love with you. It sounds stupid and selfish, but you take the things that you expect to happen when people talk about love and it’s always you. There are people in my life who I love, but no one affects me the way that you do. You make me feel whole. You make me feel safe. You make me believe that I can do anything and make me want to be the best possible person I can be. Your faith in me makes me feel like nothing can stop me and your interest makes me feel important and loved. My dreams seem small and inconsequential, but you make them seem like the most important dreams in the world. I’m amazed by your vigor and curiosity for life. When you want to do something unique and uplifting, you inspire me to do the same. You see the world differently than others and it’s contagious.
Did I know all of this first time I met you? I’m not sure when this started to happen, but it has and I think it’s important you understand. I know there is a chance that you don’t feel the same way and this will be the last time I speak with you. But I’ve weighed the consequences, and while I will miss having you as a friend, it’s too painful to be your friend and keep these feelings knowing that every time I see you the feelings get worse. Seeing you affects how I see others.
The other day I was thinking to myself, “I wish I didn’t feel this way; I wish I was normal”. But then I thought about it and instead imagined what it would be like if you also felt this way and thanked God for giving me these feelings. I know what love is supposed to be. And even if I can’t have this type of love with you, I know it exists and it makes me understand the purpose of this thing we call life. I don’t know what to expect, but you need to know that I love you. I am in love with you.
I can only hope you feel the same way.