1. The incessant whiner. To this guy, nothing is ever wrong with him. Oh, no, he’s a perfect gentleman (or so he misguidedly believes), except he’s down on his luck, has low self-esteem, was dealt a bad hand, inherited bad genes, and on and on the excuses go. He deflects his problems onto other people and remains in the same shit hole he quite enjoys making you listen to him complain about. The whole entire world is conspiring against him and he is but a victim of circumstance.
2. The “live in the moment” guy. There is nobody more important to him in the entire universe than himself. And you serve as a pawn in his ego-boost. He’ll wave you in front of his friends with a I-tapped-that smirk, and you pity him because he’s just a dumb boy with no game. This guy will get high before hanging out with you because he doesn’t know how to socialize sober. He will also bail on you when it counts the most because he has a reputation to uphold with his “boys,” and he will make sure they know that you come last. This is the same guy who will weep into your arms when you suggest ending things, but act tough and indifferent in front of company — an outright nonverbal diss. You might believe there is a genuinely sweet (albeit insecure and scared) boy underneath that fake pothead exterior, but who cares enough to find out?
3. The over-compensator. Either he’s broke, has a small dick, or is physically unappealing, this guy will shower you with time and affection. Need something? Anything? He’s there. He’s the guy who says the i-love-you’s and the i-miss-you’s too soon, way too soon. He’s the guy who wants to spend 4 hours with you on the phone and pick you up in the morning and make you breakfast and drive you to work. He’s the guy who genuinely wants to know every single detail of your day, and (you suspect) not because he gives a rat’s ass, but because he enjoys the power of emotional dependency.
4. The hit it and quit it. “Yeah baby, you’re so beautiful. You’re perfect. Your personality is amazing. I think about you all the time.” Translation: “I want my dick in you.” This guy is a sex addict and/or a megalomaniac, and he’s immature enough to believe that sticking a bodily limb into another human being repeatedly until completion makes him superior and accomplished. By nature or by design, he will ostentatiously disappear after he has gotten what he wanted and you, as the girl who enabled him, is expected to decry and dramatize the situation much to his own twisted pleasure. He is (not so secretly) a misogynist with heavy double standards.
5. The better-than-thou. This guy will say and do things intentionally for the sole purpose of making you feel small, insignificant, and unloved. He will wrap it up like a backhanded compliment disguised as “honesty.” He will stand on your shoulders to feel taller, because there is a deep-rooted sense of insecurity living under his bed that he cannot escape from. He is likely ambitious, accomplished, smart, and manipulative. His goal is to make you believe that he is exactly the kind of guy he wants to be, and thus subsequently, exactly the kind of guy you want — but that facade is too perfect for him to keep up and he cracks under the pressure. And the empty, unenlightened, depressed ugliness that he works so hard to hide seeps through.
6. The one you refuse to talk any kind of shit about. When a current beau asks, you say you’ve been in love once. You say he is an ex-boyfriend and you loved him and it ended because it “just didn’t work out between you two.” You don’t offer any more information, because what would be the point? Who would understand the kind of intense passion and bullshit you put each other through? And who would understand that, at the end of the day, he’ll always mean pure innocence and selfless love to you? And maybe you don’t want anybody to understand. Maybe that piece is rightfully yours and explaining it to somebody much in the same position feels like betrayal somehow.
7. The determinately non-committal. This guy has more years than actual experience. He’ll tell you he’s not looking for “anything serious,” but yes, without being said, he does quite enjoy a few fucks here or there. He is a jaded bachelor who adamantly believes that women are a detriment to men. That women are over dramatic, highly sensitive, neurotic, bitchy whores with elaborate mind games designed to trap him into commitment. He’s always on guard, expects you to fuck up, over-reads into your words, and insincerely tells you what he thinks you want to hear. Throw in a few nice words, some self-esteem boosters, and slap a Band-Aid on it. The art of attraction, seduction, and emotional commitment is one that he thinks he’s got all figured out — but in reality, he hasn’t got a clue.