We all know them. They may be our best friends, our extended family, or just random people we met online. In this era of adding people to every one of our social media platforms after even the most fleeting interaction, I loosely refer to them as “friends.” And here they are:
1. The “I have no regrets” friend. Please. Everyone has regrets. Who has lived a perfect life? I’m sure you could’ve taken a left instead of a right that one night and not ended up outside your ex’s house crying into a bag of Cheetos. You just choose to ignore the past and look forward. That’s fine. I totally buy your statement that your life has played out exactly as you wanted it. [Beware of this friend when paired with the “motivational” friend described below. It’s a tsunami of bullshit.]
2. The “we’re just friends with benefits” friend. Hahaha. Like that even exists. You’re simply friends. That’s it. And, people need sex. It could be with a friend or a stranger. You don’t need to create a sub-category of friendship to justify this doomed relationship. Someone always has feelings for the other and, just like every romantic comedy on this subject, someone’s feelings will inevitably get hurt. You are friends who are screwing until one of you finds a boyfriend or girlfriend who they like better. That’s it.
3. The “I don’t watch television” friend. Really? I guess you just read books all day, do hot yoga, and meditate. You are aware there is something out there called “pop culture,” right? Congratulations, you’ve just excluded being able to have a relevant conversation with 96% of the population.
4. The “I want to date a nice guy” friend. Your life is all relationship drama, all the time; a never-ending cycle of you constantly getting dumped or treated like shit. And, no, honey, you don’t want a nice guy. Nice guys are on every street corner and you choose to walk by them without even flicking your cigarette ashes in their direction. Why? Because those guys, for the most part, are unchallenging to you and are actually — wait for it — genuinely nice! Your version of nice is not the definition of nice.
5. The “it was meant to be” friend. They only use this phrase when trying to rationalize the occurrence of some event in their lives, almost always involving a romantic relationship. Was it meant to be when your mom caught you masturbating in your closet when you were 14 and you haven’t been able to look her in the eyes since? It’s total bullshit. Just grieve or celebrate the event like a reasonable human being. It sounds egotistical that you think someone or something is controlling your life like a puppeteer. Let’s see what him/her/it puts you through next!
6. The “over-sharer.” Also known as the “attention-seeker.” Hearts, likes, favorites, retweets and comments are their life’s blood. They shamelessly post anything and everything all day long, from a pic of the guy on a scooter they saw at Walmart to a not-so-subtle hint that they got laid last night. This friend has only one goal in life: to fill a need for attention and validation. Try to ignore them all you want, but, they absolutely CANNOT be stopped.
7. The “I don’t have time to date” friend. Translation: you can’t find a date who meets your standards. You’re either trying to date out of your league or you are delusional. Take your pick. Everyone – and I mean all human beings here – will make time to date when we are actually interested in and attracted to someone. Just roll your eyes at this friend and let them keep believing they’re in control of their non-existent dating life.
8. The “over-analyzer.” You get a phone call from this one whenever there is the slightest hiccup in their lives. The call usually comes under the guise of something else but, eventually, the point of the call will be an analysis of why someone did something. It may or may not even involve them. They desperately need your opinion (and five other people’s opinions) on this subject because they don’t trust their own. It’s usually about a simple text or social media post but everything, and I mean everything, gets analyzed to the point of inducing vomit.
9. The “I’ll pay you back next week” friend. No, you won’t. You never have. And, it’s okay. We don’t really care. You’re our friend and we want you to hang with us, money or not. We’ve got your back. Your contribution to our friendship doesn’t have to be financial. Occasionally, you bring a bag of ice to the party and we appreciate the effort. But, you need to chill with ordering top shelf liquor and bottle service when we go out, buddy.
10. The “motivational” friend. This is the most annoying friend out there. They are overly positive about every aspect of life at all times. You rhetorically ask them how they’re doing and they will always respond with “GREAT!” or some variation of greatness. They refuse to allow other people to just be sad and have a bad day once in a while. That’s unacceptable. They will come over and motivate your ass to get up and enjoy this amazing life we’ve all been given. They also smile 90% of the time which is totally creepy and makes you want to hurt them. And, it’s all bullshit. Everyone, even the motivational friend, has bad days. They just really know how to bottle up that bullshit.
11. The “I’m so over it” friend. The cousin of the “over-analyzer,” they are the most full of shit. If you were over it, we wouldn’t be talking about it right now. You’d actually be over it and we’d be talking about something unrelated to it. This is also the same person who ends up sobbing on a barstool after 4 drinks, slurring “how could they do this to me?”
12. The “ignore it and it’ll go away” friend. Very closely related to the “over-simplifier”, they shrug off every major issue with a simple cliché, like “just let it go” or “this too will pass.” They must have a book of proverbs on their nightstands because every single issue in the entire world can be summarily dismissed with a 5 word sentence. If I hear “don’t cry over spilled milk” one more time… Their solution to everything is to not deal with anything. Have another drink and listen to the band.
13. The “over-simplifier.” This is the most frustrating of all friends because you can’t have a real conversation with them. They will reduce even the most complicated scenario you can imagine to a simple act and, presto, problem solved. Oh, you got fired? Just find another job. Girlfriend dumped you? Just get on Match.com and you’ll have a date by Friday. No biggie. The bullshit runs deep with this one.
14. The “I don’t care what other people think of me” friend. Yes, you do. Part of friendship is valuing what other people think, and this scope includes what they think about you. It’s okay to care. End of story.