I’m that girl who’s always dating the crappy guys. The guys with pea brains. The guys with controlling and jealously issues. The guys who couldn’t care less about my happiness. I’m the girl who’s always trying to fix issues in a relationship before calling it quits. I’m the girl who constantly keeps trying even though part of me logically knows its over, but since I’m a perfectionist, I can’t admit defeat. For the first time in 25 years, I realized that I was lowballing myself and my own self-worth as a person.
During my trip to Europe, I was walking around Italy when it suddenly dawned on me why I was dating the guy I was with at the time. “Why am I with him? If he was here, I would not be having fun at all. “I knew right then and there that I wanted to break up with him. But I never did. Not until Six months later. After I emotionally slapped myself in the face and told myself that I was way better off without him. Because I was. I knew I was not happy with this guy. He didn’t make me feel like the carefree and happy person I was. He was draining the happiness out of me instead.
I was always dating the wrong guys because I was scared to be vulnerable.
Sometimes with me, you have to peel back the layers to see who I really am as a person, who is a happy, carefree, easily amused and intelligent person. But on the very outside of my shell, I am that girl who doesn’t bother talking to people who she doesn’t think is worth her time. I’m still working on my inability to be vulnerable. Because I was scared to be vulnerable, I never really went after what I actually wanted. I never gave the guys that genuinely liked me for who I was a chance. I was always living in the moment, never stopping to look at who was actually there for me the entire time. 7 years later, I realize that there’s only one guy that’s actually been there for me the entire time. All of my breakups, all of my ups and downs, when I hit rock bottom, he was there.
Upon realizing it, I just sat there in disbelief at my own sheer blindness for 7 years. I told myself that I really had to stop living in the moment. To start looking at the bigger picture of things. To stop hiding behind my thick bubble of irrational feelings.
I’m a much different person than I was at this time last year. For the first time in 25 years, I know my value as a person. I know I’m extremely different from your typical girl. I’m never going to screw you over once you get past my guard which is why I have a hard time letting people in. But I learned that there are people that DESERVE to get past your guard. Let those people who have proved you their loyalty repeatedly in. I’m more free than I was, knowing my own value as a person. I know how much I’m worth. I know who’s worth my time and who isn’t. I learned that people who invalidate my own worth, feelings, and opinions aren’t worth my time. Granted, I’m not perfect and I never will be, but there is a giant difference between the ones who belittle you and the ones who embrace you for the person you are, strengths and weaknesses.