How It Feels To Wonder If He’ll Be Here

This isn’t some article wondering if that guy you hooked up with will still be lying next to you in the morning.

I knew what it was going to be like. I was very aware of what I was getting myself into. And yet, I sit here, and I let my mind wander. I allow myself to imagine, for just a minute, what it would be like a year from now. No, six months from now. Three months from now. Next month.

My heart beats faster. My breath catches. Chills overwhelm my body. I blame it on the winter cold. But I know the truth.

My mind just went to the worst possible place. I try not to dwell on it. I try to imagine tomorrow. Think about Christmas, hot chocolate, and kissing under the mistletoe. But it drifts—no, it darts—back to that gut-wrenching place.

He signed up for this. I signed up to be with him. Not literally, of course, but I fell for him. I let myself get caught up in his beautiful, gentlemanly persona. I let him sweep my off my feet in that handsome blue uniform.

This is not just a job, but a lifestyle. It is not a question of if, but of when. And the thought of saying goodbye rips the breath from my lungs.

People keep saying, “But it’s over, they’re all coming home.” When will they realize nothing is truly over?

I want nothing but to be there for him. I want nothing but to kiss his forehead, tell him he is so many things.

He is strong. He is brave. He is handsome. He is loving. He is incomparable to many others. He is respectful. He is polite. He is funny. He is genuine.

But I ignore a big part of what he is.

He is a part of The United States Marine Corps.

And that will always take precedence over me. That uniform; that cover; that title will always be more than the designation of “boyfriend”.

I tell people it doesn’t worry me, that I can more than handle it. Which I believe to be true.

The thought of him being sent, taken, torn away from not just me, but this place and his family—it breaks my heart.

And how it feels to wonder if he will be here? Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, whole-heartedly be here… that feeling is indescribable.

But he is a Marine, first and foremost. And I stand by his side, terrified, but supportive, because I will not let him down. I refuse to break his heart like the thought of deployment breaks mine.