True Story: I Puked On My Crushes’ Dick

It’s probably happened to a lot of people or it almost did and you swallowed back, I can’t say I was that lucky. You know when he’s going hard and you feel your eyes are going to bulge out and your throat is making that noise.

We have to throwback to ’03 where all good stories start; junior high. I went to a private school that always invited a similar private school to all their school dances. Being the “before my time kind of girl,” I asked this cute boy to dance. He accepted my offer; we probably danced to “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias, exchanged names. For the purposes of this story let’s call him Sebastian and then we parted ways.  Apparently he could turn up those moves because I had a major crush on this dude for a solid month, and then forgot he existed.

Ten years later, my ex-boyfriend of two and a half years recently dumped my ass for another girl and I was on a slut spree. I had stayed in my hometown for my entire undergraduate degree; I was on the brink of graduating and getting the fuck out of there. I signed up for an intensive program in Montreal for the summer and I decided that I was going to figure out a way to stay there. I was at the bar for my friends’ birthday, and as I was standing waiting for my drink I saw this hot guy standing next to me that looked very familiar. This guy and I simultaneously approached each other and started talking. I asked him what his name was and he said Sebastian. Turns out he was fully my junior high crush and I was pretty drunk so I blurted that out. He obviously did not remember me. We talked a bit and he said he came back home after finishing his degree and was in the process of looking for a job in Montreal. He asked me to dance, we popped a molly, and he twirled me around the dance floor.

We went outside for a smoke and he asked if I wanted to get out of there and go to his friends place. When people usually mention going to a friends place at one thirty in the morning on a Saturday night, one would assume it’s filled with people who are partying. Apparently not. We arrive at his friends’ house in the middle of suburbia only to be greeted by his friend and his entire family, including their dog. I was flying and throwing back some wine in order to not look rude. I sat on their couch and talked to his friends’ Mom for an hour.

By three in the morning his parents were ready for bed. Sebastian, his friend and I went downstairs to their basement, his friend started to watch TV and Sebastian was ready to get the real party started in the next room. I asked if he had a condom and he said no, and neither did his friend; I was not having any of that. He decided that we should go back to his place, despite apparently having a pretty strict household. We call a cab, say bye to his friend and we were on our way. We stopped on our way so Sebastian could take out money to pay the cab driver and he asked if I needed anything. I told him I would like a pack of gum because my jaw was a clenching mess. He comes back to the cab with five different flavors of gum. We get back to his house, fuck, talk about books, Montreal and then fall asleep. Sebastian wakes me up, tells me it would be a good time for me to leave, as his Mom is out for a morning stroll. He grabs me a cab, paid for the cab, claims he’ll text me on Tuesday and sends me on my way. Tuesdays comes, no text, I figured it was just a one-night stand.

During my last week of exams in April, I was checking my old Hotmail account and I saw there was an email from the alumni office of my high school. I opened it, it’s from some weird name, who says he is an old friend of mine inquiring how to contact me. Who the fuck is this. I send back some sassy reply, thinking it’s some dumb prank. A few hours later, I get a reply and it’s Sebastian. He apparently got a new phone and had to get crafty to find me (my Facebook is unsearchable). I added him on Facebook and we discussed a time and a place to meet up. He said that he got a job in Montreal and was leaving at the end of the month. Due to his limited time, we would have to get together for drinks in a less than ideal “I’ll bring a friend, you bring a friend situation.” Drinks were going well, I mentioned that I booked my flight to Montreal and we should meet up while I’m there, he seemed down. Everyone’s having a good time but both our friends were ready to call it a night.

We both knew what was up next; I didn’t drive to the lounge, so we got in his car, which happened to be his parents’ mini van and parked on a random residential street to hook up. Neither of us was in the position to have the other over. I was pretty tipsy and so was he. I had my period so I wasn’t really down to have sex, since this was only our second time hooking up. I started giving him a blowjob. I was deep throating him to the extreme; he seemed to be really enjoying himself, he was thrusting his penis as I tried to go further down his shaft, the greedy kid just wanted more. He thrusted and pretty much tried to fuck my mouth, before I had time to react I projectile vomited on my seventh grade crushes’ penis. Who seriously projectile vomits on their grade 7 crushes’ penis, apparently I do! I instantly covered my mouth, died inside and said, “I need a fucking cigarette.”

Probably, the most embarrassing moment of my life to date. He was not impressed by any means. Like seriously not impressed. He dropped me off at home; he said he had to volunteer at a hospital early the next morning, out of all the excuses to use! The next day I sent him a text apologizing, he replied and everything seemed cool. The following Thursday was my last two exams; of course they’re on the same day, back to back. I was planning on going out after and getting wasted. Sebastian and I discussed meeting up sometime during the night, but it just didn’t turn out. He invited me to his pre-drink, which was too far from where I was at the time. We ended up at different clubs and it just didn’t work out. I left for vacation on the following Saturday and I figured he was on his way back to Montreal. We spoke a few times after that but nothing that substantial.

A month goes by, I was creeping Facebook and noticed that he deleted me off Facebook!! After an intensive creep session I figured out he had a girlfriend the entire time! Obviously, I deleted his phone number and didn’t bother texting him over the summer. I ended up figuring out a reason to stay in Montreal and still haven’t given a blowjob since. Moral of the story, giving a blowjob is like someone giving you a gift, don’t be too greedy or you’ll end up with a lump of coal (or a pile of puke) in your lap!  Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Shutterstcok

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