1. He’s is funny. Actually, he’s not just funny, he’s hilarious. Women love men with a sense of humor—and Louis CK doesn’t just have a sense of humor, he is humor. He is a comedic genius. He’ll make you laugh every single day, which is the sexiest thing in the world.
2. He’s a man. Not a boy, not a guy, but a man. He has completely matured. He’s not having a mid-20’s crisis, nor a mid-30’s crisis. He’s been there, done that, and you won’t have to clean up the mess of a crippled ego. He may be having a mid-40’s crisis, but that’s more adorable than annoying.
3. He would never make fun of you for eating ridiculous amounts of food. The two of you could eat burgers and fries and milkshakes at a diner and then go see a movie and eat popcorn and Milk Duds and it would just be another typical weekday evening.
4. He is smart. (Older = smarter, by his logic.) It’s always good to date someone more intelligent than yourself (or at least someone who has more experience to make an educated guess).
5. He knows how to live. He knows how to be a real functioning person that isn’t tangled in the addictive web of social media. He’ll have no problem putting you in your place, and chances are, he’ll do it in such a way that you’d like being put there. He’d laugh when you tell him you need to tweet and he’d just roll his eyes when you scroll through your newsfeed before bed. He’d be the only person to remind you that while your cell phone is an amazing piece of modern technology that should be adequately appreciated, you need to learn how to be without it. You need to learn how to just be.
6. He gets it. He makes fun of all types of people, but he manages to not come across as homophobic, racist, or misogynistic—which is nothing short of a miracle.
7. He would be the only person who would listen to your outrageously offensive theories without responding with a politically correct hissy fit. In fact, he’ll encourage you to explore and share your thoughts, especially if those thoughts are amusing.
8. He would never cheat on you with an obsessed fan. He’s not really into fucking groupies. (Well, besides you, of course.)
9. He would never make fun of you for getting totally out of breath walking up the stairs. Or for never going to the gym. Or for never attending those Pilates classes you signed up for on Groupon. You know you’re disgustingly unhealthy, but you don’t need your boyfriend to remind you.
10. The both of you could bond over a shared loathing of the more ignorant people in the world. If you told him you hate someone, he won’t say, “Hey now, hate is a strong word.” He’d say, “Yeah, that person sucks.”
11. He would be ridiculously easy to shop for. You couldn’t go wrong giving him a plain black tee.
12. At a big party where everyone is questionable, he would be the ultimate decoder of who is chill and who isn’t, depending on the type of reaction he gets after saying something hilariously inappropriate. If he’s making someone laugh, than that person is probably cool.
13. He would really, truly appreciate you. He’d probably think it was amazing that you’re even going out with him in the first place. You’d be blowing his mind just by dating him. He would know he’s lucky for having you, but you should also keep in mind that you’re lucky for having him—and those equally-reciprocated feelings are the markers of a lasting relationship.
14. He is humble. He’ll say a bunch of crap to you and then finish with, “but I don’t really know what I’m talking about.”
15. He would hate your generation with a passion, but would at least like you enough to support the theory that maybe you’re the exception to the rule, which would make you feel extra special every time you see him.
16. He would get you out of your word-vomiting habit and get you to use appropriate vocabulary for the circumstance. You would say, “This pen is awesome,” and he’d reply, “Really? It’s awesome? It inspires awe?” You’d have no choice but to say, “Ugh, fine, okay, this pen is really well-made. That’s what I meant.”
17. He would support you. He would encourage your wildest dreams. As a comedian, he knows how important it is to do what you love even if it’s unconventional or sometimes embarrassing. He would tell you that you have to keep trying and failing and trying again because failure only makes you realize what you’re good at. And you’d have to listen to him: he’s living proof of hard work paying off.