Having my three best guy friends as roommates has certainly been an eye opener. If I had a penny for every time one of them uses the F-bomb, I could pay for a trip through Europe. Aside from their brotherly behaviors—like drawing penises in candle wax and comparing the porn sites they use—they’ve unintentionally taught me a couple of things over the past few months:
1. “You asshole!” can be used as both an insult and an affectionate form of endearment.
Example A: “You asshole! If you’re going to use my pot to cook your rice, you have to fuckin’ clean it properly! Clean this again!”
Example B: “You told her she should come over and feel your silk sheets? You asshole, what did she say?”
2. It’s impossible to play a game of League of Legends together without yelling in some form at the computer, at your opponents online, or at each other.
And then, when the game’s over, it’s eerily quiet because nobody knows what to do with themselves. (Solution? Play another round of League.)
3. Taking SnapChats of the dump you’ve taken in the toilet is hilarious.
Especially if one of you is in the upstairs bathroom and one of you is in the downstairs bathroom. Hey, it’ll be gone in 10 seconds anyway. It’s like the flushing app, which is appropriate.
4. Always slam the front door as loudly as you can.
This is most important when it’s 7:00 AM.
5. Titanic is 3 hours and 14 minutes long.
… but the boobs are apparently 1 hour and 21 minutes in.
6. Even boys know the words to “Man! I Feel Like A Woman.”
Not all of them, granted, but some certainly do, and will put it on while making dinner.
7. Going out to the pub? Wear a plaid button-up.
Or a Hawaiian shirt. Don’t break from this dress code and all the ladies will want you.
8. Never go into the bathroom without your phone, computer, or textbook
You need something to keep you busy and entertained while you sit for the next 25 minutes. When you are finished in the bathroom, leave the fan on to circulate the air.
9. Bacon is the best food on the planet, followed only by steak.
10. Everything comes to a halt when it’s time to watch an episode of Breaking Bad.
Everyone gets his own chair in which to sit, and there has to be total silence.
11. You’ll never run out of toilet paper.
… Because someone always has an extra roll in their bedroom.
12. As the girl, your bed is likely to be the neatest and coziest, which may result in it being named the unofficial Naptime Bed.
What does this mean? It means that you’ll come home at the end of the day and find your pillows rumpled and your duvet folded in a different way than when you left it that morning. It means when one of the guys wants to take a nap, he’ll come in while you’re working at your desk and collapse on your bed, clutching your stuffed animal to his chest and passing out for an hour. Your bed will also be the designated location of 25-minute wrestling fights, and even though you have a living room, everyone will still come and gather on your bed to talk or joke or critique each other’s chest hair.
13. You will learn how each guy harbors unexpected traits.
For example, one of your roommates can braid hair reasonably well, and the other makes an amazing chocolate cake.
14. It is possible to live in a world without passive aggression.
When I snap at them about something, I won’t be met with a subtweet moments later, but instead one of them might open the door to my room, hand me an Oreo and say, “Hey grumpy, want a cookie?”
15. Hero complexes come in handy.
Certainly, my “bros” can get on my nerves. But living with three boys means that when the dishwasher acts up, the shower clogs, or there are spiders in the basement, someone is there to come to the rescue, happy to demonstrate his manliness.