Pinterest has a delusional way of making you feel motivated and accomplished, all while only flexing the tiny muscles in your pointer finger and thumb. “Oh my God! I’m going to be so skinny and healthy now that I found this juice cleanse on Pinterest!” *Sits on couch for four more hours.*
It will make you go to CVS and buy unnecessary beauty products like $15 nourishing foot cream because you obviously don’t want dry skin this winter. It will make you put weird food mixtures like mayonnaise and egg whites in your hair because “I don’t think my hair is as shiny as it was in high school!” It will even make you drop $100 on a new yoga outfit because you’re now working towards becoming a certified yoga instructor, obviously.
I’ve come to the conclusion that Pinterest is only good for passing the time during your 3-hour lecture class and as a form of mindless entertainment. Leave all of the crafting and baking to Martha Stewart and your days after college when you may actually live a semblance of a practical lifestyle.
1. Eating habits
You’re not going to make Kale chips, and if you do, you’re basically going to deep fry the hell out of an entire head of “lettuce’s anorexic twin sister” and smother the “chips” with seasoning salt until you’ve clogged nearly all your arteries upon finishing them. Also, you’re going to eat the entire serving of them instead of sharing with your roommates, and you’re going to wash them down with a nice Hot n’ Ready pizza to the face. (True life: my experience with Kale chips.)
Instead of spending money on mint leaves, fresh limes and adorable mason jars for those Mojitos you pinned, just cut to the chase and buy the $10 bottle of vodka. Leave that shit to the newly engaged college graduates who are throwing their first housewarming party that you will graciously not be attending.
3. Working out
If and when you do try the Victoria’s Secret Model Full-Body Workout video that you found on Pinterest, your cheap beer-induced muffin top hanging over your newly bought Lulu Lemon pants will be about as discouraging as watching the 40-year-old trainer who’s in better shape than you flailing across the screen like a deranged Tony Perkis. Then, you’re going to accidentally kick the table next to you, which will make you feel even more uncoordinated and awkward than when you started. You’re going to be so distraught by this failed workout attempt that you’re going to go to Taco Bell. Bye.
Looking at the Women’s Fashion page on Pinterest will lead you to spend a ridiculous amount of money on a new sweater from Free People or Urban Outfitters, in hopes that one day you’ll look like that chic girl with her perfect ombre hair gazing serenely off into the picturesque landscape over her mug of coffee. Instead, you’ll wear it to the bar and spill an entire beer down it within fifteen minutes.
5. Home décor
You’ve spent hours upon hours perfecting your end table candle arrangement and refurbishing the dresser you found at good will according to a Pinterest tutorial, just to wake up Saturday morning and discover that your friend barfed in one of the drawers. Perfect.
6. The workplace
You’ve devoted an entire Pinterest board to refining your professional style for when you become apart of the working world. Instead, when you get your first internship, you merely try your best not to look too butch in the $30 pantsuit you bought from Forever 21.
You’ve mulled over the various wedding dress options for hours on Pinterest—as if you actually have a guy to text, let alone a fiancé. At this point, your life goal is to be married before the age of 45.
You’ve read so many quotes about “living life to the fullest!” and “accepting who you are!” that they’ve basically lost all meaning. You know who you are—and at this point, you’re a girl who goes to the bar every weekend with her friends and experiences all life has to offer through half of margaritas.