1. You’ll sort the wheat from the chaff
Dumpster diving as a romantic activity is a great vetting process. When you suggest spending an evening sifting through supermarket rubbish, quite literally as the name suggests diving into a dumpster, you can learn a lot about a person from their reaction. Did they appear horrified? You really don’t want to enter into a relationship with a prissy misophobe who has an encyclopedic knowledge of germs, bacteria and varieties of bin-dwelling possum. Any hesitations to the exhilarating sport of dumpster diving should be greeted with a grim head shake and an insincere directive to “take care.” If your potential paramour expresses any kind of real fear of “getting compacted like Princess Leia,” hard truth is you need to quit that. Remember: they don’t dive, you don’t jive.
On the flip side, if you say, “How about we go dumpster-diving!” and the object for whom you were lusting says, “Actually I think I have to shampoo my cat that night” that’s not you getting vetted by them…no way!
2. You’ll probably get laid
A dumpster diving expedition is an allegory for our twenty-first century, twenty-something existence. Sometimes life is a generous smorgasbord of mock cream, donuts and bulgingly ripe cantaloupes. Sometimes it’s just a big empty box with a few mollusc-like clingers. Observations such as these will allow you to initiate deep and meaningful conversations with your date. The mood will become desperately romantic in little to no time. Use thoughts about the blips and dips of life’s little heart monitor to initiate some hot-blooded romping.
3. Talk dirty while you get dirty
Let the “win-some/lose-some” nature of dumpster diving spark a little suggestive commentary between you, particularly when chancing upon a particularly rich loot. Exclamations of “jackpot,” “I’ve waited so long for this,” and, “actually, I don’t mind sloppy seconds so much” are all guaranteed winners.
4. Money doesn’t matter
Dumpstering totally negates that awkward exchange of who pays. No need to split the bill, no sad dance of shoving hands into pockets that you know are empty. Sure, pulling out your wallet will impress a date, but crawling through rotting god-knows-what to retrieve a perfect jar of stuffed olives is infinitely sexier.
And yeah, perhaps there were a load of dirty diapers in that skip you just checked out. But what about the filthy coins you would have touched when you were handing over change at McDonalds for two soft-serves? Hygiene is an illusion. Evolve.
5. The quick and easy ditch
All said, the best thing to come out of taking your dumpster-diving date is the awesome cop-out. If it doesn’t go well, you can just shrug and tell your friends that that he/she “ate out of the trash.” Ugh.