Now that I’m a real person in the real world, I’m gradually realizing that a lot of habits I formed in college are totally NOT OKAY by ‘the man’ standards. Granted, a lot of habits that I have aren’t okay by ANY standards, but I stand my ground.
1. Farting in front of a significant other.
This one I cannot wrap my head around. I think we all learned in middle school that everyone farts at least 14 times a day and giggled incessantly about it. When you’re spending a night with a loved one, are you supposed to pretend that you don’t get pre-sleep gas? Am I supposed to go to a fart corner every time that I feel the need? I’m pretty sure he would catch on, guys. I really just think we need to suck it up and let our flatulence flags fly. The couple that passez gasez together, stays together. Or something like that.
2. Having a passion for cheese-based snack foods.
Yeah, I get that Cheetos are probably the worst things in the world for you. I was even going to look up some nutritional statistics for the sake of this article, but decided not to depress myself. But they are so damn tasty! I understand that it’s all the rage to claim that ‘kale chips’ and ‘dried fruit’ are your favorite snacks, but you are not fooling me on my soapbox (covered in delicious Dorito dust).
3. Binge-watching television.
People will judge you if you spent your entire weekend on your couch. So I say I spent my weekend ‘relaxing’ and ‘catching up on errands’ when I definitely just watched the entire season of Orange Is The New Black and ate an abnormal amount of pita chips. Whatever. Over it.
4. Not wearing pants.
In my perfect world, I would wear pants 95% less than I do. Pants are terrible- you have to constantly pull them up to make sure your b-crack isn’t showing, they’re restrictive, and they make my legs literally sweat. What is that about? I remedy this by taking my pants off whenever possible- in front of my roommates, at my parent’s house, the movie theater, WHEREVER! I think it’s time to invent a cozy winter skirt. I’m sure someone can make this fashionable.
5. Rarely leg shaving.
I wish that I didn’t shave my legs because I think it’s a gendered societal construct. I claim this sometimes, but I honestly just don’t shave my legs because I’m really lazy. Who has time to stand under hot water for 30 minutes at a time just trying to shave that weird awkward behind-the-knee patch? Not this girl. True story- I used to have an in-shower chair that I bought in the geriatric section at CVS. I hate myself. No matter the reason for your unshaven legs… let ‘em roam.
I’m going to start a crusade right now to get all these things approved by the man known as ‘society’. But first, I have to finish Homeland. And my bag of pita chips.