1. It’s pretty obvious to me that most grills look like a fat wad of spinach stuck in one’s teeth. You’re paying tens of thousands of dollars to look like you hooved down some TGI Fridays spinach artichoke dip and forgot to check the mirror.

EXHIBIT A: Miley Cyrus and Anonymous Youtube Woman

2. They look like the nasty, always-yellow “clear” nubbed braces that all the idiots get who want to hide the fact that their teeth are fully encased in orthodonture. I was one of these idiots, granted I was ten years old, but I often decorated my clear nubs in pastel colored rubber bands to score that meth-teeth-on-Easter look. Why pay money to go back there? Just WHY?

EXHIBIT B: Katy Perry…and FORMER ME (lovin’ the chin acne!)

3. Sometimes a gold grill just looks like a desperate cry for a tooth brushing. AKA you woke up, slathered peanut butter over your teeth, ate a full back of Cheetos, a handful of cornflakes, and smiled full-mouthed for a friend who was documenting you being a fat ass.

EXHIBIT C: Justin Bieber

4. They look like a blumpkin gone WAY wrong. If you DON’T know what a blumpkin is…return to 7th grade and learn it from your older brother, or go to urbandictionary and EDUCATE YO’SELF.

EXHIBIT D: Madonna and Anonymous Blumpkin Girl

5. My elderly middle school PE teacher “lost a few teeth in the war” (?) and had little gold pegs to fill the empty holes. It pretty much looked exactly like this, channeling the same “OY VEY” as Chris Brown because nobody should ever CHOOSE to have gold nuggets replace their actual teeth.

EXHIBIT E: Chris Brown

In conclusion, I don’t know why these multi-thousand dollar tooth accessories signify wealth and power. Yes, I just said tooth accessories. We are living in a world with tooth accessories. Are you THAT tired of bracelets and necklaces? Earrings? What about a solid key chain?