1. When you have an impulse to quote a lyric from one-hit-wonder band Hinder, check you aren’t mildly hallucinating…
2. NEVER sound stingy when it comes to dental hygiene.
3. NEVER threaten to send your online lover to jail. Mainly because you don’t know that bitch or have ANY idea where she lives. EMPTY THREAT ALERT.
4. Try to avoid sounding like a Salem Witch Hunt Protestant.
5. Don’t assume the girl is bisexual, lesbian, or cool enough to hook up with French girls.
6. There’s playing hard to get and then there’s sounding like a total fucking dickhead whose reviewing Tinder pics with a frat bro. This method doesn’t work. IT DOES NOT. WORK.
7. Try NOT to go out on a limb when you’re looking at a very white, very blonde, very generic looking girl. Most likely, she’s not the exotic freak in the sheets you’re after.
No…
8. Don’t question the reality of someone’s existence. Don’t assume a photo of someone’s face implies horniness ever because I just don’t think that’s a thing…
9. Don’t ask dumb fucking questions that include giving limbs to liquids…
10. Don’t try to speak English if you just can’t…
11. Don’t ever, ever say this:
