It’s not fair that you started this, and now I have to end it because you’re too cowardly to admit your feelings to other people. It’s not fair that you made me fall in love with you knowing that you were going to break my heart. You were supposed to be my friend, someone I could trust with anything. I finally started verbalizing all of my fears and insecurities and explaining why I stayed in a dead-end relationship for so long. It was you that made me realize these things about myself, you asked those hard questions. You made me feel like I was the only girl in the world, like I was beautiful and smart and funny and deserving of all consuming love. You made me feel all of these things and you took them back. You took them back because you’re afraid of the consequences.
I spent years with your best friend who destroyed my self-esteem and always made me feel like “less than”, and you said nothing. You said nothing until it was convenient for you. Until we were alone and you drank too much. We sat at your computer, talking about my relationship – how I felt that it was going to end, how we had become better roommates than lovers, how I never felt truly loved. You told me about how lonely it was in another state and how no one seemed to care enough to keep in contact. You confided that you also felt alone. Then you decided to say it. You told me that you have been in love with me for years, and you kissed me. You kissed me like you actually meant it, like you had been waiting forever to do it and you couldn’t possibly wait one more second. I’m not sure I was even surprised it happened; I was more surprised how it felt. It felt like I had finally met the other half of my soul. You made me feel complete.
We decided to secretly give it a chance – why not? I fell harder and harder and so did you. We finally ended up having sex, and to say it was “mind blowing” would be an understatement. I have never had sex with someone and have it be so…intimate. So intimate that I felt like our souls were connecting, and that’s the moment I realized what love actually was. I thought I knew, but I was young and stupid and dependent. You made me feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my whole life. You were wonderful. You told me that you loved me – words I’d wanted to hear someone say, and mean it, for years. I believed you. You had seen me at my absolute worst and it meant nothing to you, you loved every broken part of me.
You were wonderful, until you weren’t. You were wonderful until you decided that the repercussions of your actions were too much. How could you possibly tell people that you fell in love with your “best friends” ex-girlfriend? The fact that that was my label to you made me understand enough. You say you weren’t choosing between me and other people, but how is that possible? You kept saying that you love me, it’s not me, it’s just that you can’t hurt all of your childhood friends like that. And just like that, you broke my heart like I never thought it could be broken. I’ll never, ever be the same. I would have done anything for you, but your childhood “friends” mean more.
I don’t doubt that you loved me, I believe you. I think that things got too real. You realized you had to deal with your feelings but couldn’t, and that’s not fair. None of this is fair. I actually wish there was a different word, because “fair” doesn’t do my feelings justice. “Fair” doesn’t explain my heartbreak. How could the one person, that I thought loved me more than anyone else, hurt me like that? The simple answer – they wouldn’t. I’m thankful that you taught me that I’m worth more than I thought and that I deserve to be treated a hell of a lot better than I was. I do. But the fact remains, that you broke my heart and I will never, ever, take down those walls I’ve built because of you. I will meet someone amazing, someone just like you, except someone that isn’t afraid to love me publically. I will find him, and when I do, I hope you know what you’ve sacrificed, and I hope you never do it again.
I almost blame myself. How did I think this would end? I guess I hadn’t thought about it. I guess, I thought that “love” triumphs anything else. I would have easily walked away from everything comfortable, everything that I know, to be with you. But you wouldn’t do the same. And so I learned for the very first time what a real heartbreak is. And when you realize this was a mistake, because you will, I hope you never make the same mistake again. I know I won’t.