It started slowly, and the reality of its wrongness came slowly, as many of these things do. I was, and am, an admittedly lonely and lost 25 year old, and he is a strong and handsome 30-something who was more or less strong armed into the engagement he’s in– with my sister.
At first, I thought it was just that he got from me what he didn’t from my sister (we do look alike, and some of our major personality traits align as well). And so I assumed that he was looking for some more physical intimacy, and with my sister he got a partner suitable for marriage and in me he got a lover suitable for multiple orgasms and thoroughly fulfilling sex life.
So in the dusty recesses of my guilty conscious, I made excuses for myself. Because it’s normal to want that kind of intimacy, right? And it’s okay because even though we’re civilized, we’re really just animals at the end of the day, and our instincts sometimes take over. But maybe that was the problem with this whole thing. I forgot the human part of me.
I forgot that even though my sister are only mildly close, what I did (and am doing) betrays her in ways that I could not even imagine being able to cope with had the situation been reversed.
I’m sorry, I really am, but I don’t want it to stop, and I’m not going to lie about that fact. I don’t want to be with someone’s husband– or husband to be– no matter who they are. But, and that’s a big but, I’d rather have him than her. So I want to come clean to her, so she’ll break it off with him, and I assume, me. That would leave us free to be together.
But here is where the problem is. I don’t know if he’d ever forgive me for telling her. I don’t know if he loves me like he loves her. I don’t know how it would affect his life, and then presumably mine, if I told my sister the truth.
And so I’m knee-deep in this mess and I just want it to be over, but things are never that simple. I just can’t help but wonder if there’s a chance of him letting her go, and letting us fall into the love that we’re very clearly harboring. I know it’s there, it’s just a matter of whether or not he does– and what he’s holding on to for my sister.