When I got into this relationship, I was directly out of my last one. It was a rebound that ended up being much more than that, and I can’t say I’m upset about it. Actually, it’s the best and only way I’ve ever found that I can effectively get over someone: to find someone else. Someone new and shiny and whose promises of forever haven’t been tainted by arguments and insults and all the other daily issues that come with a committed relationship. But I digress, because that’s not the issue at hand.

For some reason that I still am not entirely sure of, I think about my ex while I have sex with my boyfriend. It just gets me going. I’ve heard that it’s not abnormal to think about other people while having sex, but I know there’s no way my particular situation is anything near “normal.”

My boyfriend just straight up asked me where my mind was when we had sex, he said at certain points he felt I was really disconnected, and acting as though I was almost somewhere else. It concerned him. He wanted to know what was up. Of course, I just made some excuses like, oh, I don’t even know what you’re talking about! But then he asked if I ever think about anything else, and in that second instance that I paused before trying to lie and say “no,” he knew. He nodded. He asked if it was my ex. I told him the truth, but I tried to soften the blow by telling him that we had been together for so long that he was like programmed into my sexual DNA, and that it was basically an automatic response. He didn’t let me finish– he told me it was hot. He told me that he thought it would be fun and different if we role played whatever was going on in my head.

So we did, and we haven’t stopped. He pretends to be my ex, but the thing is that he acts violent and dirty and degrading to me in ways that my ex would never behave in or out of the bedroom. I told him this, and he said that he understood but doing so got him off more.

I feel like I’m disrespecting myself, my ex, and my boyfriend, and I can’t help but feel like he is doing this as some strange act of jealousy or anger or maybe he’s just trying to prove a point to me or re-associate my idea of sex with my ex to be a painful, terrible thing. I’m not really sure, but what I do know is that I’ve never heard of doing something like this, and I don’t want to end my relationship over it. I want to be dating my boyfriend, in and out of bed. I’m not sleeping with my ex for a reason, and I want this whole mess to end. 

This “Confessions Of Betrayal” post is brought to you by ABC’s Betrayal. Don’t miss the series premiere of Betrayal on Sunday, September 29 at 10|9c on ABC.

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