The night I flashed a guy, everything else changed.
I woke up feeling this pull in my stomach, this wrenching regret. I stepped out of the house only to feel a blur with my surroundings. I couldn’t focus on anything around me.
I kept thinking about how I let myself get violated in this way.
Now, don’t get me wrong. No one touched me. I FLASHED someone. Me. But it was so strange, because I absolutely did not want to flash anybody. Not just because I feel insecure about my body, that’s fine. But hello, flashing is perverse and wrong. It’s the stuff desperate sickos do online. And I did it. Because I did not know how to convince the other guy why I didn’t want to flash.
I didn’t want to flash because it was wrong. Why was it wrong? Without bringing in my religion and the Bible? I didn’t exactly know. He wasn’t touching me or anything, so exactly why was it wrong?
But I felt horrid afterwards. I did it partly because I didn’t want to pussy out and maybe, maybe cause him to lose interest in me since I actually felt that I liked him. I thought we got along and he was a really cool dude. And suddenly these strange requests started coming in, not in the “hey chick flash me!” but in the truth or dare “I dare you to lift your shirt up” way and it progressed from there. It’s hard to reject something even more so when it’s claimed to be done in the name of ‘fun’.
And for multiple reasons, damn this guy was good at cornering me and I eventually did flash him. And when he went “Woooooow,” or “Sexyyyy,” or “You have a hot body,” I felt like stabbing a freaking knife through mine or his heart. I realized what was so wrong. I was flashing myself to get a guy turned on, I was selling myself.
But I was confused because we spent the first 2-3 hours talking about normal things and really got along. And suddenly this happened. But he was still being really nice about it, treating it like a dare. Until he insisted that I give him a dare to make it equal. No way in hell did I want to see a man naked. Especially not a random one. And finally I said he could just take off his clothes but keep his underwear on. And facing the camera, underwear on, he started touching himself. In front of me. That’s when I knew, I’m fucked.
The next day, after spending awhile crying and wondering what should I do since I was disgusted with myself yet, the most frustratingly, still a bit attracted to him, I decided to tell him how I felt, making sure I was firm about it. I told him I regretted it like hell and we were going to make a deal never ever to do such things again and never to speak of them. And that I never want to feel that way again.
He says deal. And then 20 mins later, asks me if he can flash me.
He begs me. Long story short, I sighed and said yes.
This is the first time I’ve felt attracted to someone in a long time, and I realized how it’s made me die on the inside.