A Haiku For Each Guy I’ve Slept With

Inspired by this Tumblr, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Foxx

Youโ€™re really a jerk
That motel gives me nightmares
I think you tricked me

Rogen

I liked you at work
Gave you head driving me home
Size matters, Penguin

Pratt

Youโ€™re a teddy bear
Iโ€™m glad you left premature
Couldnโ€™t feel a thing

Wood

Twenty-nine year old
Your place in Chelsea was cool
You cum like a girl

Timberlake

Our 3 years were meh
Our โ€œloveโ€ was really just fake
I have many scars

Oswalt

Your face was not cute
You cried after real short sex
I loved your huge bed

Rocky

Stop crying, you wuss
Your penis had a weird shapeโ€ฆ
And…so did your face

Beckham

Whiskey dick my ass
Tiny man, tiny voice…truth
Sweet apartment, though

Phelps

Gym rat in finance
Your heart literally ticked
It. Was. So. Boring.

Macfarlane

My Jersey nookie
Thanks for taking care of me
Your one ball was odd….

Vegan Jesus

Late night booty call
No lie, you were amazing
Williamsburg hipster

You look like some guy rejected from The Real World for being too old

Pretty forgetful…
You ainโ€™t old, just 39
Your aparmentโ€™s dope

Galifanakis

Your sex was not โ€˜whoaโ€™
Food was highlight of the day
Thanks for the weed, though

Brody

I really love you.
You really are my best friend
Youโ€™re really the one. TC mark

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