I will not reveal who I’ve worked with or what I’ve starred in obviously, as I don’t want to be identified. I love my career, and I know I would lose my leading man status if I ever came out. I feel terribly guilty about many different things.
First of all, I feel like I’m misleading my fans. I know a lot of women watch my movies to watch me, and part of that is fantasy, and I feel like it’s all based on a lie. They do a lot market analysis in Hollywood. I get told about which demographics I do well with, and I feel like I’m misleading so many people, or letting them down.
I am dating another well known personality, and we’ve been publicly together for a while now. I know she expects to get married, the press expect us to get married, but of course this would be a great disservice to her. Truth be told I think she knows. She is a wonderful woman and a wonderful person and I don’t deserve someone as loving and trusting in my life, and I truly do love her, but I’m not in love with her, and sex with her, despite her beauty, is difficult for me.
I also feel terribly guilty because I know there are so many gay kids out there and I feel like by not coming out, and not providing that public display of being gay and being successful I’m letting them down. Public figures like Ellen DeGeneres coming out when I was younger made a huge difference to me, and I feel like I should be paying it forward, but I’m too afraid of my whole life being ruined.
I’ve only told a few people. I’ve been with two men since my career has started. Both have been, thankfully, very discrete. My two best friends from before I became mainstream know, and have been supportive. I’ve told two gay actors who have come out because I trusted they would keep it to themselves, having been in the same position. They were comforting and told me to do what I needed to do, but it didn’t assuage my guilt at all. I tested the water with my agent, who basically told me “Faggots don’t make it in this town,” and then went on to basically explain that he would never represent a gay man because the effort versus the money just makes it not worth it to him. It frankly terrifies me. I just wanted to get it out there.