At the end of the day, dreams are what keep us going. They are the things we aim for, the things we look forward to. If we just finish this miniscule task that seems seemingly irrelevant to our dream, then maybe we will be that much closer. As cliché as this sounds, because of the things I have gone through I have learned to truly take advantage of each and every opportunity thrown my way. Maybe even just take a risk sometimes, because those are when the best experiences take place.
As I have started writing, I have begun to realize the reasons why I act the way that I do. I am finally taking the pieces of my life and putting them together to see how they have shaped the person I am today. The death of my mother has in turn subconsciously caused me to attempt to strategically pack just about as much into a day possible. This writing has made me realize that this isn’t just a habit of mine, nor is it something that “just happened.” It is because of her death. She was 26 when she was diagnosed with cancer, and no one knows any information about it. It could be hereditary; it could have been caused from who knows what and it could have been random. We have no idea. That alone is probably one of the most frustrating aspects of Leiomyosarcoma. What kind of name is that for a cancer anyway? It’s too wordy and lengthy, and the worst part is that it rhymes, what the hell? They make it seem like a game, and the worst part about it is that it’s not. That game could cause me to become sick as well. It is because of my mom and this ugly disease and the chance that it could be me next that my days for the past several years have been strategically placed hour by hour with things to do.
I want a lot of things. I don’t mean material things; I just want to do a lot of things. Whether it be travelling, meeting new people, trying new foods or whatever else you can imagine. The other day someone told me “you need to take a break,” but to be honest I don’t understand why. He says you can’t just keep going up and up because at some point I will crash. “Life is more like a pyramid not the Washington monument.” That saying or whatever you may call it has been stuck in my head since. Why is it so bad that I want to do a lot? I figure you only have one life to live, and if you do then why not do everything that you want. Then someone told me “you will accomplish it all in time.” Well what if I don’t, I am already 19 and my mom was 26. That leaves me seven years to do the things that I find incredibly important to do without having any form of cancer. And if I don’t have cancer, then I still have the rest of my life to do more. The entire world is filled with opportunities, so why do I have to settle with just a few. After all, why do I have to dream little when I can dream big?
These “dreams” of mine are the things that keep me going. They aren’t the things that take place as I am asleep at night, but rather the things that take place, as I am asleep during the day. The parts of the day when my mind wanders, and my body is the only thing that is real in that moment. It is the thought of the world holding seven billion people and I am just one being of that very large number, this is the thought that astounds me. I could meet a new person every day of my life and I still would not be able to meet the whole world. But if I could meet one person from all different places in the world, I would be happy. It’s those people that keep you going, it’s those people that you learn from, that teach you, that help build those dreams.
In reality, I probably will not be able to accomplish all of the crazy things that I want. And when I tell people about the things I want to do, I get the blank stare with the “where are you going to get the money for that?” or “that sounds stupid.” I guess at the end of the day though those people don’t matter; only I do. And if I am happy and get to live life a little before I am an old, wrinkly 82 year old or if I am young, lively 26-year-old, then and only then will I be content.
This wasn’t supposed to be an inspirational piece of writing, nor was it supposed to tell you about my “poor life.” It’s just how I feel, it’s just the way that I think and maybe just maybe by telling you, you will consider the importance of savoring each and every minute of each and every day.