1. Explore different possibilities for the future.
I want to be a writer, nurse, veterinarian, executive producer, wine sommelier, sunglasses tester, pilot, director of marketing for a backpack company, sneaker model and professional horse trainer. I’m assuming there isn’t a job that would allow me to be all of these at once, unless I was an actor or something, so it’s probably best to pick just one or two to follow through with all the way. But that doesn’t mean you have to give everything up – lots of things you might like to do are good to have as hobbies. For example, while you may not end up tasting and talking about wine for a living, that doesn’t mean you have to give it up – you just won’t be paid for downing that bottle of Cab all by yourself on a Tuesday night. Follow your dreams!
2. Go work out or something.
Dancing, boxing, yoga, swimming, Pilates, Swimalates ™ , Boga ™, running away from your responsibilities….go with whatever strikes your fancy. Bougie or basic, solo or some ~*~GROUP FITNESS FUN~*~ over at the local ladies-only gym, whatever workout you choose to do is a step towards getting yourself in the right mindset for the thousands upon billions of interviews you’re probably going to have to trudge through. Being able to switch on autopilot and talk about yourself confidently is a whole lot easier when you’re lookin’ and feelin’ like a prime rib on a hot plate.
3. Feeling apathetic? Rediscover your hormonal, pre-teen tendencies.
Being unemployed means dealing with an enormous amount of unoccupied hours. Silent, lonely hours spent pretty much by yourself because no, your dog is not an appropriate conversationalist even though you’re absolutely sure that one time he really understood what you were saying because he kind of winked and gave you this look that went deep down into the bowels of your existence.
You can use those hours for things mature, sophisticated folk would approve of, which includes but is not limited to crossword puzzles, MENSA games, TedTalks or the incredibly self-indulgent musings of a podcast operator. But really, wouldn’t that time be better spent inadvertently causing yourself to become a mentally unstable Belieber or fall deeply in love with all five members of One Direction after watching an unreasonable amount of their interviews on Youtube? I mean really, watch 1D’s “Kiss You” and TRY not to feel something go all tingly in your stomach. We all need to get our kicks somewhere, folks. A little imagined romance with a popstar can get you through some drawn-out days.
4. Become hostile to fellow youths who have a job that you want.
After regaining sufficient knowledge of what it feels like to be obsessed with an unattainable and perfectly coifed pop star, again you’re left with more empty hours to fill. So why not use them up by letting out all your feels on someone you’ve never met, yet is totally worthy of all your hatred based on the fact that they’ve figured out the labyrinth that is the hiring process?
Listen, I’ve taken some human resources classes. Employers look for people that hit on all the elements that make up a company’s “culture,” an imagined set of values, unspoken rules and absurd practices (not every office has to have an open floor plan – if I work hard, I want a personal corner office which I think is PERFECTLY FINE AND NORMAL). I personally find the majority of these company cultures to be bizarre and contrived….which is probably why I don’t have a job.
However, there are many recent grads out there who have managed to portray themselves as someone who can ride around the office on a scooter while delivering an efficient presentation on how to “drill down buzzwords across the board in alignment with productive company practices for corporate stakeholders,” which translates to real-world speak as “Not only am I a pretentious jerk, I’m also a pretentious jerk who loves to hear myself talk in a nonsensical manner.”
Combined with approximately 15 internships at high-profile companies and a relative who already works at the same company, the job is effortlessly bestowed upon them. It’s okay to project all your pent-up frustrations on these people.
5. Visualize your dream job.
You beautiful mind, you. Since your subconscious is most likely the only place where a job that pays well, sends you to exotic places, lets you do what you love with people you love, lacks in bullshit mandatory corporate fun, allows you to get outside on those rare perfect days, and is located in East Amazingville U.S.A. exists, you might as well sleep as much as possible. At least until you find something that doesn’t totally suck and allows you to have a life outside of the office.
Go get ‘em, baby!