What feels worse than cheating itself is not feeling guilty for it. That’s the thing that’s killing you right now. You don’t feel shame. You feel like you want it to happen again.
And after making that realization, all you can think is, I AM AN AWFUL PERSON. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.
Now, you’re trying to reason with yourself and break down your stupid decision into easy-to-swallow motives. No excuses, just think: why did you let yourself do it.
1. You’re not happy in your relationship now, and you don’t know how to deal with it in a healthy way.
You feel trapped, but not by the person you’re with. You’re trapped by yourself. It’s hard to let him know you don’t want him anymore, because you really do feel love for him. It’s just not the love that he feels for you. You don’t want to hurt him. In fact, you’re scared to death of hurting him. So you avoid telling him, and yourself, the truth: you aren’t happy. So now you’re looking for an easy way out. Because while a large piece of that unhappiness is completely internal, it was also felt because the person you’re with now doesn’t share the same wants, aspirations, priorities as you do. As great as he is, the connection—sexually, intellectually, emotionally—is gone. And it has been for a while. Which is why…
2. …meeting the “other one” was the first time you felt an emotional connection to someone in a long time.
Even the smallest little spark of a chemistry, the tiniest flicker of attraction not just physically but deep-down emotionally, is exciting. Comforting even. Feeling that way again is like seeing light in pitch black darkness, until you grasp how troubling it really is. It’s yet another confirmation that you aren’t in love with who you say you are, despite the countless hours trying to convince yourself and others. In the moment, it’s a way out. A person that seems so so amazing at first glance, so amazing that there can’t be anything wrong with him, seems like a perfect escape. You just fell in love with someone else—it could happen to anyone. But afterwards, you know what happened had nothing to do with love. You just chose to see what you wanted to see in a desperate attempt to get out of your trap, ultimately pushing yourself farther into it. This is a sign that something is very, very wrong with you. And it scares you to death.
3. You were drunk.
In drunkenness you lose control. You turn into another animal. It didn’t use to be this way. But lately it has been. After a drink or ten, you turn into someone who takes what they want. You can’t control what that beast inside of you will want to take. That’s what alcohol does to people—turns them into the beasts, the idiots, they can’t let themselves be in sobriety. It’s terrifying, and exhilarating, to lose yourself like that. That’s how people get addicted: you can feel yourself teetering on the brink. The teetering, that’s the addictive part. If there was no alcohol the night you cheated, it never would have happened. It’s not an excuse. If it was, it’d be a shitty one. It’s the truth.
4. You’re insecure.
You have a natural fear of being alone that has deformed into a crippling disease. When you feel so low about yourself, being alone forever seems like a very real possibility. That’s why you’re so afraid of breaking up with anyone, and so afraid of turning a dangerous person away. Because there’s a bully in your head saying “no one will ever love you ever again, so don’t fuck this shit up.” That, in essence, is what’s pushing into your cage, closing the door, turning the key. That bullshit in your head.