You constantly ask if I’m okay when I’m obviously not. I always say I’m fine and we have our usual exchange of you telling me I’m not and me agreeing but it’s just one of those days and then we drop it. I blame my depression and anxiety on how I feel and as those are things I’m actually diagnosed with, the topic fades and you just let me do my thing. Sometimes you do try to cheer me up with ice cream or letting me watch whatever I want to watch but usually we just change topics and we’re our usual selves again.
You are my best friend and have been for many years. You are the best boyfriend I have ever had and can claim that to be true for the past year and a half that we have been together. Living together has even been a phenomenal thing that I wouldn’t trade for anything and I can’t imagine my life without you.
However, I need to have sex. We used to at least do some things in the bedroom that we admitted were to tide me over but now there’s nothing and there’s never been actual sex. I know you feel inadequate with yourself “down there”. I know you being uncircumcised is a huge worry for you and that you think it will make sex impossible because it will be painful for you and thus will ruin the entire experience.
We won’t know unless we try and after a year and a half of not trying, we aren’t even trying to be physical at all. I haven’t had sex in two years and we haven’t been truly physical beyond kissing in about six months. I know I told you when we kissed at the wedding and this relationship was potentially going to happen that I wouldn’t let your “limitation” as you called it be a bother to me but it is. And I’m sorry. And I feel terrible that this is now a problem for me when I told you it wouldn’t be.
But then again, you said you would work on it. You would get circumcised if it came down to that. And after all this time, I can tell that hasn’t been on the front burner of your mind. It has been for me, though. If you’re not going to put in the effort now, will you later?
When will we finally have sex?
And why do I even have to ask that question, as if it is a thing we will never have? I want to be with you forever but that means a real relationship, one with everything a relationship is meant to have. One with sex.
I really really need to have sex.