“You need more beer!” Those were the first words you spoke to me that night, I remember it very clearly, I was wearing tie-dye and you were half naked with paint in your hair. I had just graduated from college and you were in your senior year when we embarked on our short-lived whirlwind of a romance after that night. We were never meant to last and we both knew that. I had dreams of a postgraduate degree while your gypsy soul began to get the best of you. Your reputation preceded you and you had often told our mutual friends that I was way out of your league. I knew that I was, but nothing could stop me from hopelessly falling in love with everything about you. Together, we had an undeniable mental and spiritual connection; that once in a lifetime union of souls that results in sunny mornings of silent coffee drinking and instinctively anticipating each other’s movements. You gave me true happiness, you freed me from my introverted inhibitions in a way that I had never experienced and have not experienced since. You brought colors to my life that I had never seen before, and for that I am truly grateful. In turn, I gave you respect and no judgment. You knew that I would never judge your past actions and I would never use your past against you. I gave you room to grow as an individual, and I began to see you transform. Together, our souls were joined in harmony.
For the first time in my life I had found a girl like me, a girl who geeked-out on Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and liked to go barefoot and lay out under the stars. It’s a very comforting feeling knowing that you’re not alone, so I tend to think of that as a false sense of security for me. Two weeks before I began my first semester of graduate school, you left me. You left me shocked, broken, and alone right before I started one of the most stressful periods of my life. And for what reason? Because you “couldn’t do it anymore?” Because I wasn’t out to my parents? Because you were graduating in five months? Almost two years later and I still call your reasoning bullshit. You wanted to have your cake and eat it, too. You wanted me in your life but you didn’t want to be tied down. That’s why you let me fall without catching me, that’s why you would text me at night to say that you missed me, and that’s why a year later you told my best friend how much you still thought of me. The first six months after you left me were the most difficult, as I was a broken individual incapable of expressing any type of genuine emotion. Alcohol became my outlet to numb the pain and many nights I drank myself into a sobbing stupor. My memory of that time period is a sad, gray blur – it was if was living in a perpetual rain cloud. Getting over you was literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
It took me nine months to finally date someone after you. It was a guy and it certainly didn’t last. In all honesty, I had given up on women, thinking that maybe I wasn’t a lesbian after all. I was wrong. I would often cry after sex with him because he wasn’t you and I just couldn’t feel the same way about him that I did about you. The whole time I was with him, I would pine after you and you would (and still) appear in my dreams, even when I was in his bed. I never knew what to make of it and it was driving me crazy: why could I not emotionally recover from our relationship? But then I realized what it was, it was fear. I was terrified that I would never find that kind happiness with another person. I refused to let you go for such a long time with the hopes that maybe you’ll come back to me one day and with you will come the happiness that I longed for.
But taking that a step further, I also realized that I deserve someone better than you. I deserve someone who will never let me go; and when I do find her, your happiness will not fair in comparison to my future happiness. So until I find my future happiness, I will be content to bask in the sunshine of my own happiness because I finally found the strength to let you go. I will sing my future happiness to me.