There was a storm brewing outside.
The wind was lashing out its might, tipping lamp posts and creaking dilapidated roofs that could fall off anytime. Proverbial gloom was everywhere, ashen clouds hovering above, signaling the ongoing inclement weather.
You should still be sleeping in this bed weather, with your husband’s arm wrapped snugly around you, but you forced yourself to get ready to work. You woke up, thinking this would just be an ordinary day. And then, while he was on the shower, you saw his phone. Never did you try to look into it, but something tells you you should. And you did. Now, reality hit you in the face, crushing your sanity to near-fatal intensity.
Call it a curse or a blessing, but you cannot seem to shake this uneasy feeling. You have always believed you have this power; they call it woman’s intuition. It has been going on for quite some time now. You tried to dismiss it, telling yourself that your mind is just playing tricks on you. “You’re just making a big deal out of little things,” you tell your subconscious before she can utter another snarky comment. You tried to ask your husband, to get the facts straight. He just said to trust him that everything’s fine between the two of you, and that was the end of it. But that eerie feeling still remains.
And then you found out that all this paranoia proved to be true. The doubts you were once casting on yourself are now facts, and it was staring at your face in black and white. Your worst fears have been confirmed: he broke your trust. The person whom you thought was your savior was now a Judas. He betrayed you, big time. And you felt so shocked, you went numb. Everything was a blur, like you were having an out-of-body experience. Different emotions suddenly welled up within that you cannot seem to distinguish one from the other. And you saw him, his face registering the shock that you found out the indiscretion that way. That was your undoing: you have this overwhelming urge to hurt him, to make him feel what you are feeling right now. Everything falls apart: this comforting bubble that you found someone that values your love and trust after a harrowing experience with an ex-boyfriend of 7 years; that somebody can accept you: faults, warts and all. All your insecurities rise to the surface: you are ugly, unworthy of loving and be loved by anyone. Nobody deserves your love, and everyone cannot be trusted.
He said he was sorry. And sorry he did. He just accepted your wrath, not offering excuses on why he did it. And you tried to believe him, tried to tell yourself that this beautiful man, whom you love more than anyone, is truly remorseful of what he had done. But you can’t. All you see is the horror of the mess he did, the dreams that were shattered, the love almost lost by this single act of betrayal. The most rational person you have known was caught up with a passing fancy, to a married woman with 5 kids. And you feel like dying a thousand deaths, stabbing you each time with excruciating pain.
It has been a year, and while on the surface it seems like everything is back to normal, you will never be the same person again. Intellectually, you know it’s time to forgive him and move on. He deserves a second chance as he proves to you in every way that he loves you. You know that in your mind. But you cannot still do it. Because your heart tells you this: “You were not rejected, you were betrayed. With all that happened in your past, you are a hundred times more sensitive to betrayal than anyone else.”
And you tell yourself: “Let time tells you what to do.”