1. I need to pee a lot
As in, all of the fucking time.
2. I am capable of conversation. What kind of music do you dance to?
To me, dialogue appears as a series of prepared sentence options that encircle my head, waiting for me to select a topic. I can take a minute to ponder which of the available options will most rapidly lead to sex, and my conversational partner will patiently wait as I think them over individually. If I were talking to someone at a college party, for example, I could select from a helpful list of options. “What are you studying?” is one choice. “Can I get you something to drink?” is another. My personal favorite in this situation, and the one I usually click, is “Where is the bathroom? I can’t find the bathroom.”
3. I banged the grim reaper
The only way I know how to kill someone is to put them in a box and wait until they die of starvation and needing to pee. I’ve done this to some of my friends. It’s pretty easy. After about six hours, they die and the Grim Reaper comes. Sometimes he and I get to talking, and I’ll invite him to come pay my fridge for a glass of iced tea. Then we fuck.
4. My body is complicated
I can put my arm through your face and you’ll just smile ask me how my day is going. If you find a cheat to lift up the sheets while I’m having sex, you’ll see that I’m actually just hopping around on my hands with my feet in front of my head while my wife imitates a seahorse. Sometimes my torso disappears, and I’m just supposed to accept this.
5. I have a spinning green diamond thing above my head
On screen, there is a big green spinning diamond thing floating above the head of the active character. Sometimes there are a lot of people walking around in your house and the green diamond thing helps keep things straight. You can’t get rid of this diamond thing. It follows you around, about 5 inches above your head, until you die. This is exactly like real life. I can’t actually see my spinning green diamond thing. I know it’s there. If I tilt my head backwards, it follows the angle of my neck. Other people can’t see it because I’m the active avatar and they aren’t. At parties, it helps to differentiate me, to myself, from the other characters in the room. It’s always there, floating near the ceiling, separating me from the crowd of people who aren’t me. It reminds me that I’m incapable of changing avatars and I can’t control the other characters. Even if I walk into the back yard and construct a box around myself and die of starvation and needing to pee, my spinning green diamond thing will probably still just be there.
6. I’m never going to die
No one has ever finished a game of the Sims 2. By the time I reach about age 40, the game will get boring. My character will have slipped into a boring routine and there will be nothing left for him to accomplish. The user will grow tired of watching my pixelated body step in and out of various showers, and one day will decide that this particular game is no longer worth pursuing. They will move on to something with more guns and I will be frozen in here forever, staring blankly at where there definitely used to be a mailbox, screaming a little on the inside.