“Don’t just say I love you,” I whisper. “Tell me something more than that; tell me something that I’ll remember tonight when I’m missing you.”
He holds my hand in his lap, looks me directly into the eyes and says, “I love you more than the amount of sperm a blue robin makes.”
1. Your Hypochondriac Side Gets Fed More Paranoia Than WebMD.
There’s a mole on your stomach. Hey, I don’t remember seeing that before. You call him up and inform him of this never-before-seen fleck on your stomach. “You should get that looked at immediately,” he will say, in the most worried voice, and you take him extra seriously because he probably knows what he’s talking about. You will cry and plan out your last months on Earth, send him a picture, and then he will tell you that it’s been there forever.
Don’t even get me started on headaches.
2. Every Gift from Them Is a Miracle of Nature.
You know that puppy you’ve always wanted? Well, there’s something better than that: a stem-cell created mouse embryo, that they made themselves. If you receive something like this from your S.O., you’re probably dating a mad scientist. Giving your niece’s handmade presents a run for their money. If you’re lucky, they will point out the parts of it that they usually test neurological disorders on. Maybe you can get one with the ganglia dyed different colors! Makes a great addition to your bedside table collection of embalmed fish.
3. HALLOWEEN Gets Crazy.
HALLOWEEN. Halloween is everything. Halloween is the balls to the walls when you’re dating a mad scientist; there are no horrors in the outside world that could match the ones your new S.O can produce. Even if they don’t look like a mad scientist, allow them some simple household ingredients, and the liberty to blow things up on your doorstep, and you’ll never have to worry about any meddling kids. If you’re a tamer type of person, you can do other creative types of things, like make germs out of candy, and edible bugs crawling out of Petri dishes.
4. He Does Magic Tricks on Dates.
The next time your OKCupid date takes you out on a picnic to mix Diet Coke and Mentos, sneer and leave, because there is so much more out there and that person isn’t trying hard enough. For a fun date, blow bubbles with flammable gas, and pop them with a lit candle. While they are not constantly blowing up things, they will go out of their way to keep you entertained and will always have the best party tricks (as opposed to my recitation of the first few lines of the Canterbury Tales).
5. He’s the Best Person to Cook or Bake With.
A fair amount of what a mad scientist does involves following a strict method, or orders of what to do to a subject, and it’s really similar to following a recipe. Finally, you will have someone with whom to live out your wildest Hell’s Kitchen fantasies, even if it means making unicorn poop cookies over and over again, until they have the right sparkle consistency.
6. He’s Always Cognizant of your Feelings and Thoughts
While this isn’t a requirement for anybody, it’s always good to strive for the best version of yourself. If you’re dating a scientist, they will be more likely to notice when things are bothering you, as they are attuned to behavioral changes. They will listen to you carefully, and cherish everything they will learn from you and about you. You’ll fall in love with them not only for their goofiness, but for their authenticity and love for you. Even more surprising to you, you’ll admire how much effort and time they are willing to spend in a lab, doing extensive research in hopes of finding a cure.
You’ll wonder how you fell in love with somebody so different from you, and then you’ll allow yourself that privilege of contentment, because we all deserve to love somebody who inspires us.
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Want to write for Thought Catalog? Email Nico Lang at email@example.com.