A Note To My Not-So-Typical, College Hook-Up

I sometimes drink to channel my deeper emotions. While that may be unhealthy, it gives me a release. When I’m sober, my obsessive thoughts are held back due to my embarrassment or refusal of admittance. Once I have a couple drinks, I think of you, or maybe it’s the idea of you. I never thought that I would hook up with someone of the same gender. I’m not normally attracted to men. Could this be a fluke? Or a mistake?

I see college as a four year resort — where teens flock to live their life before they actually have to “live.” College is about finding yourself. But, what if that ‘self’ seems to only flock further and further away, when you’re faced with a life-changing event or experience. Hooking up with you should have been my biggest regret. It’s brought on constant anxieties, worries, questions…

Who am I?

What do I want?

Will I ever have someone?

So why do I not regret what happened? As hard as it is to accept, I felt something with you. For the first time in a while, I didn’t feel so alone. While I don’t ever see you, nor do I know anything about you, I am forced to hold on to all the great things I hear about you, from others. This ‘idea’ of you, just makes me want to know your life, your story. I wish I had some way of knowing what you think of me, or the situation, because I feel like I’ve reached the end of the road. I am so vulnerable. I wish I had the guts to tell you what I feel or what I’m thinking, but honestly I could not bare to deal with any possible disappointment or embarrassment. It’s the end of the year, and I want to know. With each drink I consume, I pity myself. They say “everything happens for a reason.” Well, quite frankly I worry in anything is meant to happen. TC mark

image – Katie Tegtmeyer

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