1. Support PETA.
I do not eat meat. I am a Hindu. Go vegetables!! And besides, I don’t care much about other animals but please treat cows with all the kindness. Cows are sacred. But then again I will totally support you eating beef. “How could you?” but yeah, I totally get it. Not really.
2. Love Iyanla Vanzant.
These real-life hairy gurus in India will charge a fortune. With this horrible economy who has the time and money. Iyanla is my Guru. She is my she-ro. She talks the talk. She can heal and she rules. That bitch is fierce.
3. Have a Grindr account.
“Do you use a Grindr?” I asked one of my gay friends. “No, mama uses a hand mill to make curry powder, besides grinders are very high price with our economy you know”, he replied.
No one uses Grindr here anyways. I still have one because it’s popular in America. Snap!
4. Aerobics over yoga.
I would rather jump around and sweat my body to a Lady Gaga song.
Yoga is so overrated. Who wants to listen to a half naked fur ball taking about how to clear you skin with yoga doing breathing exercises? Start with shaving your facial hair. Maybe you can see some skin then.
5. Use hair removers.
Lots and lots of hair removals. Bushy eye brows are so not westernized. So are arm pit hair, hand hair, feet hair, toe hair, and so on. Thank God for hair removals!
They will pout in every one of their pictures. Their Facebook profile, their library card, their spoken English tuition cards and their Call centers employee card.
7. Follow American politics
“Yes we can!” TEAM Barak Obama. We won. Hurray. Mitt Romney can go suck it. Sorry about it, republi-can’t! Equal rights. Gay marriage forever!
Meanwhile I have no idea what is happening in India. Can I go to jail for being gay?
8. Coffee over tea.
Tea is the national drink of India but coffee is better any day, even if I do not like them both. In fact I love milk. Did I hear a new Starbucks is opening around? OMG yay!
9. Marry anyone for a green card.
For a green card? Absolutely anything for the American dream. Anyone?
10. Watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.
The most exciting reality show ever created. Miss Sharon Needles for world president! Can I get an “amen!” up in here?