The Last Words I Ever Said To Her

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I’m sending you this letter because it’s the only way I can tell you everything I want to in a reasonable and coherent way. Trying to express everything in here all at once and through words is impossible and I want to make sure I make myself very clear and understandable.

I’ve been a complete ass with you since we broke up and I want you to know I acknowledge it and I am deeply sorry for that. Harassing you with mostly stupid messages to get your attention and because I was trying to find reasons to hate you so this could be easier for me, but this is impossible as I could never hate you and all I feel for you is love. You’ve called me selfish before and I have been selfish, I wasn’t thinking about what you might be going through and all I cared about was making my bad feelings go away. That was all me being in a serious debate between my heart and my brain, where my brain understands and wants to move on, but my heart only says Patricia and trumps every other thought inside me.

I am not trying to justify my attitude at all, I was an ass and like I said, I am sorry and the purpose of this letter is to thank you.

When we broke up we said so many nice things. Things we did and things we imagined and that may now not be possible, but very nice and beautiful things that even if they don’t come to fruition, they are wonderful and beautiful thoughts that no one else has brought out of me before. The things I didn’t get to say to you were the things I am thankful for. The things you did for me and with me that I will remember all my life and will bring forth a smile in me every time I think back to our time together.

Thank you for all the wonderful moments we spent together. Thank you for spending Valentine’s Day with me. Thank you for being the girl to give me my first real kiss. Every time I eat something salty it reminds me of that kiss, that wonderful experience I hadn’t had before and that I will cherish all my life. Thank you for sharing with me in your vulnerable moments. Thank you for letting my ears be the ones to listen to you when you needed to express yourself and needed an outlet. Thank you for holding my hand so many times. Thank you for every single nice thing you said and did with me. Thank you for sharing your amazing lips with mine. Thank you for being who you are: the smartest, kindest and most beautiful girl I know.

When we went to see Rango and you held my hand close to your chest, I can honestly tell you I was the happiest man on earth being in that moment with you; where I could feel your heart beat, your lungs breathe in and out and your hand holding mine. If I  had to choose the single happiest moment in my life, there is no doubt in my mind I would pick that instance every time.

All of this and many other things that pop into my head every minute of every day since I met you are real and I mean them with all my heart. I’m not writing this to convince you to take me back, I just want to try to let you know (even though words will never be enough) how much you mean to me, how much all we did meant to me and that you will always be in my heart and in my thoughts for everything good that we shared and everything you helped me grow in, and how you managed to get the best out of me. You made me feel like I’m actually worth something and I can never thank you enough for that.

I wish things could be different and my heart tells me they could be, but that is not up to me. I just sincerely hope, that once you have gotten past whatever it is that happened to you, and you really meant all the things you said the day you broke up with me, is that if I ever cross your mind again, please don’t hesitate for one second to look for me no matter where you are.

I adore you. TC Mark

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