I can remember exactly what we were wearing, or rather the lack of clothes that we had on. It was 6am, did the police really expect me to have on more than a tank top and a blanket? They laughed at me. When I cried, they laughed. I was a scared 19 year old who wasn’t ready to have her life fall apart right in front of her and there were swarm of people who couldn’t wait to rip right through it.
You. You had been lying to me for months upon months. I had been too in love to see what was right in front of me. After the cheating and the abusive I should have realized that this was the only natural next step in our relationship. The rest of my world needed to fall apart before I could see who you were and what you had done to my life. I wasn’t ready.
I awoke to the horribly loud pounds on our front and back apartment doors. Lucky us, we had two entrances! Which was convenient when you were peddling all those drugs…
They smashed their way into our apartment by breaking the hinges off both doors. For weeks loud noises startled me in a way that others around me weren’t startled. I shook with fear every time someone knocked on those damn doors.
Were they back? What did they want this time? They had already taken everything that I had. They took whatever was left in me that had the capacity to fight for you, for us. And, with good reason.
I spent the early morning handcuffed on the floor. Then I was handcuffed in the chair. Then eventually you did one of the only things you had ever done right by me. You let them know that I had zero part in the drug deals. You gave me immunity to whatever happened next, rightfully so because I had no part in what you were doing. I had no control. I was merely there, a former shell of myself.
But you didn’t give me hope or help or anything else afterwards. We both had to keep silent about what had happened because it was an on-going investigation and others needed to be busted. I couldn’t tell a soul and I couldn’t talk to you.
I was already hiding our fights from everyone. I was hiding the bruises. I was hiding marks on my arms. I was hiding the tears. I was hiding the fear. I was hiding the harsh words I heard every single night when you were never pleased with a single thing I did. I was hiding the nights I spent alone, crying in the bathroom ready to end it all. I was hiding the person you created when you first choked me that day in the car.
I was hiding the addiction. I was hiding the drugs. I was hiding my entire life. Then I had to hide this too.
You. You were the only person I could talk to. The only one who understood and what did you do to me? You cut me out even more. You let me cry to you once and you apologized once. That is all that I deserved. Then there were no more words to be spoken about that lost day and no more tears that were allowed to be cried.
You. You should know that I’m not hiding anymore. I embrace the things that I went through in those two long years because they no longer define me. You no longer define me. The days that I can remember all too well, like February 9th of 2012 no longer keep me up at night.
I am brave. I am strong. I have conquered three continents and learned what it means to be happy again.
I’m not hiding anymore. And that knock I hear on the door? It doesn’t scare me.