The Anatomy Of An Anxiety Attack

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Something goes wrong.

One small thing.

Shit. What do I do? Shit. Shit shit shit shit. How do I fix it?

Why does stuff like this always happen here? Shit.

There are so many things that I need to fix.

I donโ€™t know how to fix them.

I keep putting these things off and I donโ€™t know how to fix them.

Shit shit shit.

Feels like an elephant is on my chest.

And Iโ€™m going to throw up on my shoes.

Shit.

Count to five and count. One, two, three, four, five.

I canโ€™t get enough air.

I feel like everyone is looking at me. Can they hear my heart pounding?

It seems like itโ€™s beating so loud, the noise is pounding in my ears,
in my brain.

Iโ€™d forgotten about that first thing that went wrong.

Shit. I still donโ€™t know what Iโ€™m going to do about that.

Iโ€™m going to lose my job.

Or worse, I wonโ€™t lose my job and Iโ€™ll have to stay here and deal with
the fallout

of this small thing that went wrong.

And everyone will know itโ€™s my fault

And theyโ€™ll talk about me.

Iโ€™m so fucking incompetent.

Itโ€™s always something here.

Somethingโ€™s always going wrong.

Count to five and breathe.

One, two, three, four, five.

Iโ€™m definitely breathing loudly. I know they can hear it.

Run to the bathroom, slam the stall door.

Breathe. One at a time, in and out.

In, out, in, out.

I start sobbing silently on the toilet, trying not to make any sounds.

All I can think about is my mom. Iโ€™m a grown woman and I just want my mom.

I just want to go home and sit on her couch and watch daytime tv.

I consider walking out of the building, going home,

never coming back. That sounds so appealing.

In, out, in, out. One, two, three, four.

The elephant feeling wonโ€™t go away.

The idea of leaving this bathroom stall and going back to my desk
seems more daunting than climbing a mountain.

Slowly drag myself back.

Count to five breathing slowly.

Count to ten. Breathe.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.ย TC Mark

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