For the past month, I am battling with these four words. Ever since that night you said it first. I don’t mean to be pointing fingers, but you said it first. I won’t pretend that I never ever had that thought before, but you made it real. You put it on the table and now it’s crushing me.
And now every morning I wake up and there are just a few seconds of bliss. That’s when it still doesn’t crush me, just because I don’t remember it yet. But the reality, the sad painful reality of our shattered marriage, never pauses to start pressing down on me.
Because everything is fucked up now. All of it. Between you and me, between us and our families. And it doesn’t want to get better. I look at you, and I no longer see the man I fell in love with. I see someone who is capable of hurting me, and someone who is not capable to understand me or all of my pain. I see someone I am scared to have kids with and someone I am scared to be vulnerable with. I am scared and disgusted at times, because of the nasty side you showed me.
I know you’re trying to change. But, I’m scared that won’t be enough. Because the moment you said those four words, you liberated me. I am no longer scared to lose you or to let you go. Why be with someone who finds pleasure in hurting and walking all over something sacred and dear to my heart.
And yet when I think I should take my turn to say those words, I can’t. Because everything inside me starts burning with pain that is so unbearable that I can’t find the strength to actually say those words. I see all your flaws and yet I still love you. I still can’t imagine my life without you. But when I do imagine it with you, I see mostly dark and not much of light.
And now as I write this I feel extremely nauseous. It may be from all the stress we’ve been through the past month. Or it may be because I am carrying your child and that’s the real reason why my period is so late and the tests are just lying when they turn out negative.
I hope God has a reason to put me through all this, because I sure don’t see one. How does any of this make any sense?