I didn’t think it was possible for a girl like me to find someone as special as you. I know that sounds too cliché but, I really did believe that love wasn’t for me. No boy has ever been interested in me. I’m not particularly beautiful, I’m not graceful or athletic. I’m the default smart girl because I don’t fit into any of the other boxes women seem to be categorized in. This didn’t really bother me because I never really thought about boys until I met you.
We started out as classmates then as friends. We made up inside jokes and you made fun of my innocent ways. We talked about our favorite shows and how Lost changed our lives. Then that one December afternoon we watched that movie and I don’t know about you but, I really did feel something. You told me about your favorite band and I started listening to them. I even got tickets to see them live just cause I knew I would see you there. I remember losing my shit when that January evening we somehow ended up at the same movie theatre, watching the same movie. You found me sitting next to my best friend and you sat next to me. I remember grinning from ear to ear because holy shit this must be fate. This has to be fate. This doesn’t happen in real life.
The next month flew by and I grew to like you more. We had more classes together and at every single one you turned around to talk to me. I really thought you felt something too. I mean, why else would you talk to me so much? I remember that Wednesday night, you know the one where I got a little too drunk and needed help getting home? Well that night was the night I was going to tell you how I felt but, I needed too much liquid courage and I somehow broke my shoe so, I held off for a day where I wasn’t such a fucking mess.
The next week, we were all at the bar and it was late so, we took the train home together. We talked about 500 Days of Summer again (like how funny that we both love that movie!) and I mentioned how it was playing again at the theaters. You freaked out and made a note of it on your Iphone, like you do with all important things. I was so happy that night cause I was sure you would finally ask me out and we can do all those couple things we both want to do.
Valentine’s Day crept upon us and you kept asking me what I was doing. I think you asked me like five times and I know you have a great memory cause you remember things that I don’t even remember. I always wanted to know why you asked me. Was it because you wanted to ask me out? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that I had plans with my girlfriends. We talked so much that night. Not just the superficial things like favorite movies and stuff but, like tough things like religion and middle school nightmares. I was trying to prompt you to ask me out when I suggested that you should ask out one of the girls in your class. You told me that there was someone you were interested in. My heart skipped a beat. I knew this was me. I was waiting for my name. You told me about the girl that sits next to me in all of our classes. You told me how you found her interesting and how you’re planning to ask her out. At that moment, I swear to you my heart fucking broke. It was like a real life Adele song started playing inside of my body. I didn’t know what to say. What else could I say? I fumbled my words and somehow managed to encourage you to ask her out. You wanted to take her to see 500 Days of Summer. The same movie we always talk about. I swear I wanted to cry.
I walked home that night. It was raining and that stupid Taylor Swift song came on my Ipod. My tears camouflaged in the rain. I didn’t even eat that night and I swear I never turn food down. I spent the weekend crying and doing things I love. You drunk texted me that Saturday but, I wasn’t having any of it cause I was so mad at you and how much you were hurting me. That Wednesday I drunk texted you and told you that a boy broke my heart and you were so concerned about me. It’s too bad I didn’t tell you that the boy was you. I’m glad I didn’t tell you though because that night we both found out that we want the same things out of a relationship. You told me that Rina was kind of a pretentious bitch cause she doesn’t like Lana del Rey. I laughed because it was like fate telling you that she wasn’t right for you. I cried more and texted you more but you never responded.
It wasn’t until that Tuesday night when you got rejected by the same girl that you were after that you finally texted me. I didn’t want to laugh cause I hate to see you sad but, damn karma really is a bitch. We talked more and for the last month I swear I thought we had something. I mean you told me about what you want in life, the kids that you want to have, the broken family you came from and all the ugly things that you didn’t want to tell anyone (of course I loved them all because they made you who you are!). We listened to Lana and you told me, “If I ever find anyone who is down to drink beer and listen to Lana with me, I’m gonna marry that girl”. I almost wanted to tell you that maybe we should just get married but, I didn’t want to ruin the moment. You told me about how you wanted to ask me to the movies but, forgot about it. I laughed and wanted to smack your head because you were so dumb. We talked about Summer and made some plans but, nothing concrete. Still, I was happy.
Out of nowhere, this daily conversation started to become a constant in my life. You taught me about what boys want and we concurred that everyone just wants the same things. I finally grew some balls to tell you that maybe we should go out for drinks or something. Then you said that you wanted to bring your friends. I smiled and said sure even though you broke my heart again.
That was the night I stopped talking to you. I deleted your number and all your text messages. I avoided you in class and only interacted with you when it was necessary. I couldn’t see your face anymore because every time I looked at you, it felt like my heart was getting shot/drowning and I couldn’t save it. As much as I avoided you, we somehow always got on the same train home and ended up talking more and more. I fucking hated that. Why was fate pulling me back into your arms?
Yesterday was the last day I was obligated to see you. I texted you saying “Have a good summer in case I don’t see you”. This was my last test to see if maybe you had feelings for me. You replied with, “ahh yeah true. You too”. I deleted your number for the second fucking time.
I knew in that moment that this was never going to go anywhere and I wasted so much time being into you. I hate that I still really like you though. I hate that at 4:16 am, all I can think about is you and how you can play the fucking violin.
I didn’t realize it until now but, I forgot that when you like someone you’re not supposed to give them all your feelings. You’re supposed to leave some for yourself too. I forgot about that because I fell. I fell so fast for you.