I did something really bad. And I’m feeling a lot of emotions, but I don’t know if any of them are remorse.

I had sex with my friend’s boyfriend. She is a good friend. I’m also dating someone, who is good friends with him. It’s a weird love-friendship tangle. My heart is pounding just thinking about it. I feel some guilt, some sense of accomplishment, confusion, and scared of myself and my power in decision making. But yet I can’t stop reliving it – reliving it to enjoy it.

And now we share this secret and this part of one another.

I’m playing with my emotions and others’ much too casually.

The guilt I feel is mostly towards his girlfriend. Little guilt is associated with my relationship. Afterwards he told me that she is the one, which is a real shithead thing to say. That’s when I started to feel guilty, but he was an active participant as well.

His girlfriend and my boyfriend, they will never know. Ever. Too much is at stake. This all definitely makes me realize I’m in a low place. I also word-vomited my relationship issues to him after, which is another story in itself.

My boyfriend is reading me like a fucking book. I do not hide emotion well.

I can’t really eat. I just want to drink.

There are so many layers to this that I just don’t want to deal with them all. But here I am. And damn is he sexy.