Wake up with alarm at 6 a.m.
Hit the snooze exactly four times.
Get out of bed at 6:42 am.
Turn on your cheesy motivational playlist, and sing along to exactly 2 songs while showering.
Try not to think too much about the monotony ahead of you today.
Get dressed. Skirt, tights, blouse, heels, blazer.
Put in headphones, head to subway. Listen to more relatable songs about following dreams. Relatable in the sense that your life is that first part of the song where someone is unfulfilled. Not the happy part at the end.
Get to work. Buy large iced coffee. Smile as you pay. $2.02.
Sit at your desk. Take a deep breath.
Check email for any possible responses to job applications. Nothing.
You spend 5 minutes doing actual work. You struggle to find motivation. What are you really accomplishing? Are you doing anything worthwhile?
You try to find satisfaction in a project you completed. You smile briefly, then remember what it’s like to feel real passion about work. This feeling now? It doesn’t even compare to that feeling.
You spend approximately 45 minutes remembering what it felt like to be doing what you loved.
Then remember you are $50,000 in debt.
Some days the minutes drag by like a prison sentence. Other days fly by and you realize you wasted a day. One whole day of your life is gone and what do you have to show for it? Have you made your life or anyone else’s life any better?
You see an ad about “living the life you’ve imagined” or some other ridiculous tagline and want to spray paint BULLSHIT across the venomous deceitful words. Propaganda.
You find yourself getting angry when you hear these things. Why do we continue pushing these lies that you can make your dreams come true? Don’t people know just LIVING is too expensive? Dreams are irresponsible.
You get home. You vaguely remember to appreciate the fact you can afford an apartment. You throw some chicken in the microwave.
You turn on the TV. Glass of wine. Eat. Watch 2 hours of TV, and suddenly another few hours of your life disappears. You think back on the last year of your life and realize how much of your life has just disappeared.
It’s 10:30. Your eyes are heavy and your body feels tired.
You have a good life. You pay your bills. You put food on the table. But when you turn off that light at night and there’s nowhere to hide, you’re empty.
Your 15 year old self would be so disappointed in the monotonous life you lead.
As you fall asleep, you rationalize. Every night you rationalize. You’re thankful, you have a job. This is just how the world works. You tell 15-year-old-you that she’s unrealistic and doesn’t understand the real world.
She tells you that you’re a coward.
You’re a sellout.
11:02 p.m. you fall asleep.